Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[LA KOPI]

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
In a hog cabin!

What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse!

Why do pigs never recover from illness?
Because you have to kill them before you cure them!

What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
A road hog!

What do you call sheep that live together?
Pen friends!

What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
An egg!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
Udder nonsense!

What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Use a cowculator!

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!

What's a cows favorite vegetable?
A cowat!

[bigbirdbird]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this..)


" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[bigbirdbird]

Confucius Say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.


Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.


Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.


Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy


Confucius Say:
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,
doesn't know if he's coming or going.


Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words
are a sober man's thoughts.


Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account;
you put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.


Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ...
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.


Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.


Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.

[bigbirdbird]

Discovered Benefits Of Worshipping And Adoring Your Man's Penis

Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein injested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

[bigbirdbird]

Dictionary of Obscure Sexual Terms.

Angry Dragon - Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles - A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle - The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking - Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw - A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick - This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco - You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It - Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie - You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski - When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle - The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face - When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special - Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner - While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog - When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza - Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer - The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

Cock-Stuffing - Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch - The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction - First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

Cop's Delight - The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an over sized, quivering glazed donut.

The Corkscrew - Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

[bigbirdbird]

THE HAND JOB
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of
the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in
my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used
to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

FACTS ABOUT PENIS'S









Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
________________________________

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
________________________________

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
______________________________

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
________________________________

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
________________________________

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
________________________________

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
________________________________

Average length of penis when not erect:
3.5 inches
________________________________

Average length when erect:
5.1
________________________________

Smallest natural penis recorded:
5/8 of an inch
________________________________

Largest natural penis recorded:
11 inches
________________________________

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
________________________________

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
________________________________

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
________________________________

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 minutes to 2
Weeks
________________________________

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
________________________________

Average # of erections during the night: 9
________________________________

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
________________________________

Time it takes the sperm to travel the distance: 2.5 seconds
________________________________

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice,
Chocolate, doughnuts, and pumpkin pie.

[bigbirdbird]

During a Biology class

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
" Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow
taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller
than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts
And they are heavier than the guy's balls."

Seems logical to me

[soundlab]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[soundlab]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[soundlab]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[soundlab]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[soundlab]

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one.
She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".
So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

[soundlab]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[soundlab]

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next
best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."