Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ossy77]

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA,
Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions :-

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Malaysia : Light bulb
Miss Singapore : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting
with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Malaysia : Leopard
Miss Singapore : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Malaysia : Lamborgini
Miss Singapore : Lolls- Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the
letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Malaysia : Lychee
Miss Singapore , with full of confidence, smiles and says:
LIEWLIAN !! (durian)

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to
determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified; and they decided
that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems With the letter 'L',
they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with
the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore :



LJ !!!
The Judges fainted ...

Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[ossy77]

Three POWS were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they would be shot at while
they ran 100 metres. If they survived after that they would be set free. So the three, a British, a
Japanese, and a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang! They started to run like they never did before.

At the 80 metre mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted,
"Long Live the Queen" and died.

At 90 metres, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he
shouted, "BanZai" and died.

Now the Singaporean was at 93m , 95m , 98m ,99m...... ......
Bang!! He too was shot down. Before he died, he shouted "KAYU LAH!! One metre also no discount!"


Please up me if you like my jokes. Thanks.

[bakylotus]

MAHARISHI PHUCKNUCKEL'S GUIDE TO ZEN II

1. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

2. Give a man a fish and he will eat a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.

3. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never
seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

4. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

5. Some days we are like the flies, some days we
are the windscreens.

6. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

7. Good judgment comes from experience, experience
comes from bad judgment.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.

9. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

10. There are two theories about how to win an argument
with a woman. Neither works.

11. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your
lips are moving.

12. Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

13. The most wasted day of all is one which we have
not laughed.

[uncle gg]

smart dog!

[TAI TAI]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still
pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[TAI TAI]

A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho.

After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers:

When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her.
When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car.
Tonight, my parents will fuck.
Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman,

AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!

[TAI TAI]

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.
Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"


submitted by: macraez

[TAI TAI]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

[TAI TAI]

A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captian
Guy: capt. capt.! theres no women on borad what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happed!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!

[TAI TAI]

So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one.
I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "Oh hell yeah they all say" so I’m telling them about mine.
So I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area.
It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where.
so i’m like oh shit "holy shit what did she do" asks my friend
I reply "The first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaaaahhh!"

[TAI TAI]

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you’re bad luck....."

[TAI TAI]

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor’’Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis’’ the doctor told him ’’Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself’’ Bob asked’’ Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom’’ The doctor says ’’Sorry theres nothing we can do’’ So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain ’’ So what did the doctor say?’’ Bob says’’ Doctor said your gonna die"

[TAI TAI]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[TAI TAI]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

[sexed]

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."