Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Playman]

No Dancing!

Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their
wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last question before
they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for
men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your
permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral.
Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own
wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed,
"What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Mullah,
Sex is OK within marriage, to have
children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the
Nullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! "
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! "
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber
sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of
vibrators, Leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?"
"You may indeed."
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."

[Playman]

Indon, Bangla And Malaysian
An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian are in a
bar one night having a beer. The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly
throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to
drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the
glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi. He says "In KL we have so many Indons and Bangladeshis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

[Playman]

Heights of globalization!
Question: What is the height of globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death

Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, andKorean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indonesians, hijacked by Pakistani and finally sold to you by Chinamen!

Globalization!!

[Playman]

Marital Bliss

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was just looking for the expiration date."
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Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "See how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can be greater than this one?'"
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Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on Dad's lap."
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Newly married man to wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
Wife: "Honey, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune."
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
Boyfriend: "Thanks for the early warning."

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Wife: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?

Hubby, looking at her from head to toe: "I like your sense of humor."

[Playman]

Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.

While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you, too.'

[Playman]

Maintenance - Malaysia Boleh!

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells ----why are there so
many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the devil is a former
government servant, so he comes in, sign the register and then goes to the canteen.

[Playman]

Red Tomatos

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

[Playman]

How To Get Away From Police Fine!!!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer ?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman:Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please ?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one ?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers
please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer:You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.



The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2:Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2:One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.

[Playman]

Blow Job's Revenge

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts
talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and
lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and
puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys
and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles...and at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?
"It's called the 'Blow Job's Revenge"

[Playman]

Disguise Failed

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new
attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied...........



"Father, it's me,...... Sister
Kathleen!"

[Playman]

April Fool

Defense Attorney:Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch of a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorneyid you know him?
Little Old Lady:No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorneyid you stop him?
Little Old Lady:No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:Why not?
Little Old Lady:It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Lady:He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorneyid you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:Why not?
Little Old Lady:His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:What happened next?
Little Old Lady:Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just Laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorneyid he take you?
Little Old Lady:Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Playman]

A newly married couple were happy with the "whole thing". He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing!

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus; it turns your 31/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!!!

[Playman]

Two old retired politician
Two old retired politicians decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. Chan Kong Choy was dumped because of the Port Klang Fiasco and Samy Vellu was dumped when a bridge collapsed, killing 100 Indians. Nothing to do, they took a lot of drinks and ended up at the local brothel, managed by a part-time florist.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
Manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll on
each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my
girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The Manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs to take
care of their business.
As they are walking home, the Chan Kong Choy says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says Samy Vellu, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
Samy Vellu says, "Could be worse - I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you sat that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her
a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window, taking my teeth
with her."

[bakylotus]

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.


LONGEVITY


Married men lived longer than single man do, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

[PeteTsang69]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: 'Olympic Condoms.'
Impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

'Olympic condoms?' she blurts. 'What makes them so special?

''They're in three colors,' he replies, 'gold, silver, and bronze.

''What color are you planning on wearing tonight?' she asks cheekily.

'Why, gold, of course,' says the man proudly.

'Really?' she responds. 'Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change.'