Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

[jenny]

WALKING FUNNY

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

'It will never work honey', he says to her. 'Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight'.

'Please', she begs her father. 'Just meet him once, I know you will like him'.

Her father relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to tell the good news to her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practiced and practiced until he can finally walk straight.

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch and seeing the crab walked towards him, the lobster dad yelled to his daughter, 'I knew it, here comes the crab and he is drunk!'

[jenny]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time.

Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"

[jenny]

LEARN FROM DADDY

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to to have learned one fact about Jesus by next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.

Susie said, 'He was born in a manger'.

Bobby said, 'He threw money changers out of the temple'.

Little Johnny said, 'He has a red pick-up truck but he doesn't know how to drive it'.

Curious, the teacher asked, 'And where did you learn that Johnny?'

'From my Daddy', Little Johnny answered. 'Yesterday we were driving down the highway and this red pick-up truck suddenly pulled in right in front of us
and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ, Why don't you learn how to drive!'.

[jenny]

One evening two Nuns had been in the poor part of the City caring for the homeless, Sister Theresa and Sister Catherine.

It was getting late and they were hurrying back to the convent before it got dark.

The light was fading, and they were still nearer the bad part of town than they were to the cloister.

As they walked past a dark alley, two thugs grabbed them, dragged them into the alley, threw them onto the pavement and began raping the poor Nuns.

“Dear God, Please forgive him, for he knows not what he does” Cried Sister Theresa

“Mine does!” Cried Sister Catherine enthusiastically.

[jenny]

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.

"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"

"Well, the child was born without a wiener," the doctor said...

"Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip...and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.

Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"

[jenny]

A bus stop and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, Coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi."

[jenny]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[jenny]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn
bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[jenny]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says to my dad, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet bowl?

[blohsg]

Jenny : ROFL ... I shall take special note regarding the height of the person when being served TEA or DRINKS ... Kudos to the funniest shit I've heard today

[3-in-1]

Six kids joke

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

[3-in-1]

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”

[3-in-1]

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21. When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey!” said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No…” said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”

[3-in-1]

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”