Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[3-in-1]

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Union Station,” answered the woman. “You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”

[3-in-1]

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”

[Rumour]

DON'T PLAY THE FOOL WITH A SLEEPY BLONDE

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from
LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play
a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains :"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to
get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end
to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde
politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches
into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

Don't be a smart ar.se and try to beat the market, if you are not smart enough.
Worse, telling everyone how you will do it, and teaching others how to do
it. Leave a sleepy market alone and wakes up like every one else when it does.

[bigbirdbird]

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car.

Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.

The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask,
"What are you doing?!"

The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

[bigbirdbird]

Blow Jobs - A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

[bigbirdbird]

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and she was very nervous about it.

The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.

He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?"

The woman shook her head.

The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again."

The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.

So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.

In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. He asked, "What's wrong?"

She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."

[bigbirdbird]

Be Careful When You Masturbate!

Let's just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.

And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.

And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.

And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.

Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).

Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.

That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.

This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.

Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.

AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it's tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.

Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.

[bigbirdbird]

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."


**************


Thing's You Really Didn't Want To Know......


During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.



***********


A Man Is
After Engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman

[3-in-1]

Small dick

A guy finally gets hitched with his long time sweetheart. Right from the first night of their honeymoon, he was gravely concerned about the unfortunate size of his small dick. He decided the best thing he could do was to substitute his dick with a pickle, hoping this would satisfy his new wife. After a week of humping her with the pickle, it was clear that the pickle solved the problem.

Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.

One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”

[3-in-1]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

[3-in-1]

This guy is banging a girl, and the girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?” He replies, “Nope.” She responds, “Oh, thank fuck for that! I don’t want to get that again!”

[3-in-1]

A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend’s place instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy agrees and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she had no clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe, cover your snatch with it, and go for help!” She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, “Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?” The clerk replies, “I’m sorry, I think he’s too far in.”

[3-in-1]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about the next day’s final exam. He said there would be no acceptable excuses for failing to show up to the exam, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death. One male student raised his hand and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The students in the classroom burst into laughter, and after subsiding the teacher glared at the student and said ”That’s no excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

[page333]

A wife was beginning to worry about her and her husband’s non-existent sex life.

So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive.

When he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband.

Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said "what on earth are you doing?"

The wife replied "it's my birthday suit, don't you like it?"

The husband responded "you could have ironed it first

[page333]

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."