my affair with my sis in law

[ahwen]

Well nothing much I can do now... It took me two hr just to read n work at the same time... Will bro Jia you.,, you can overcome de...

[FarAway]

I think bro hardcoremayhem brought up many good points, but I have some thoughts to add as well.

First of all, like many bros over here reading and following your story, I appreciate your sharing and I certainly feel for your sense of frustration/sadness/confusion over the events that occurred with your SIL.

With regards to your SIL's letter, I feel that since she has taken the courage to write her thoughts out and made the decision to put an end to this relationship, see it as blessing. Why? Because there is no good timing. The only poor timing is when your wifey make a shocking discovery of you and your SIL together. Let those good times and memories stay in your heart, since you know they can't last, take time to embrace the fact that it has ended.

As for you not being able to give your last response to her in closure as mentioned by bro hardcoremayhem, I have a different take. Don't feel bitter about not having the chance to do so. There is no need to make a statement, not now, not ever.

What is the intention of your message? To say you treasure the moments spent, know it's not right.. sorry to have hurt you.. you will find a better person than me.. hope things can be back to normal during family gatherings?

All these are unnecessary, because she knows it. She played along with your advances and sank deep. Finally found an opportunity to end her guilt before things get more entangled.

As for the feeling of jealousy, it's natural bro. We are all selfish people. What you can't have you don't want others to have. Your logical brain tells you you should be happy if she's able to find a good chap that cares for her. Your emotions tell you why not you, you can do better. But I say, that someone may be able to give her the lifelong happiness that you definitely can't. So give yourself time, because time heal all wounds. Time helps to forget, or at least it allows other activities to keep you occupied enough to keep yourself from thinking about her.

A very anti-climax way to salvage yourself is to make yourself think of your wifey. You love her thats why you married her in the first place. Don't let her shortcomings in your marrige (in terms of the love spark) lose the reminder. Instead try ways to spice things up, sometimes you never know unless you try. I am happy for you that your wifey doesn't know of your involvement with your SIL, take solace in that fact too!

Cheers, my 2 cents, let me know what you think.. sorry for this long essay it took quite a while to pen down my thoughts as well, hope it helps

[sensit32]

TS if u weren't put in Yr real feelins u dun feel jealous n strange feelins mixed.as for mi if I not so serious aft brokeoff when I c my ex again wit another new bf in my mind jus happy u wear my old shoe but if real feelin put in I saw wit new bf in my heart i wish to kill him grab her back.tts y I bare hands punch sandbag until my both hands skin tear n bleed to ease my pain in my heart until now.if u can't forget Mayb u can try kick boxing,muai Thai n other mma(mix martial arts) the gym is at china St far east sq go there sweat out or spar getting hit or hittin durin spar aft tt feel
Much more relax aft sweat out. HELL is waitin for mi I'm evil

[jjjr]

I fully agree with bro Faraway. Was about to pen the same comments myself. Perhaps your OC was not as spontaneous or as fun but I am sure you can spice things up. MILFs can be very exciting - Just look at many of the bros' threads in SBF. I can put my hand on my heart to say that my best sex is with my OC.

[hardcoremayhem]

Originally Posted by FarAway

I think bro hardcoremayhem brought up many good points, but I have some thoughts to add as well.
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As for you not being able to give your last response to her in closure as mentioned by bro hardcoremayhem,..

Thank you for your kind compliments, dude. After posting all that i did in empathising with the TS, i realised that SBF has relly evolved over the years. I had been with SBF since the late 1990s (with a defunct nick) til now and had surfed it rather regularly. Previously when i posted similar things, i usually get ridiculed by others. Nowadays, it is truly different. Honestly, compared to some of the more mainstream popular forums, SBF appears to have a much more matured base of users.

On the note of seeking closure, i think that while you are right with the alternative view (yes, we should always view things from all angles and consider all factors), it is my opinion that given the fact that we are not in this situation and neither are we the TS, all we can do is to empathise with him. He obviously wants to contribute his portion so that he can seek some peace of mind. His SIL had already done hers but in not allowing the TS to do his part, that is grossly unfair and selfish. She achieved her peace but denied the TS his? I don't think that that is right.

What matters in such issues, i realised, is usually not what is rational but what people want to do i.e emotional. Because after all, emotions is what starts such incidents and fittingly, emotions would have to be assuaged to end such thing.

[seowlang]

Originally Posted by FarAway

I think bro hardcoremayhem brought up many good points, but I have some thoughts to add as well.

What is the intention of your message? To say you treasure the moments spent, know it's not right.. sorry to have hurt you.. you will find a better person than me.. hope things can be back to normal during family gatherings?

Cheers, my 2 cents, let me know what you think.. sorry for this long essay it took quite a while to pen down my thoughts as well, hope it helps

sorry was busy at work.

hey bro, u r one of the first to reply in this thread and u r still around to hear abt my problems after more than a month. thanks alot.

while your views are alittle diff from bro hardcoremayhem, i thought i would like to add my views on why a 'proper' closure is needed. yes, u r absolutely right to say that no matter what i say, it will not change the fact that parting is the best solution. Agreed.

however, allow me to give u an analogy (i know u r saying, wtf, why so many analogies! paisay lah) suppose J is my business partner in a mama shop for years. now we all know that with the Giants, NTUCs and Carrefours, mama shops will be out of business anyway, its just a matter of time. As a partner, i would expect J to tell me when is the date we should close the shop and prolly have a farewell meal to thank each other for the efforts we put into setting up this shop. But what i got was an sms from my partner to say: partner, lets close it. u know its not gonna survive anyway. lets close before we lose till we are bankrupt. and lets do it today. i dont really want to hear from you bcos i will get emotional too and cry." i wasnt even given the chance to set the date, nor a farewell meal or even a chance to visit the mama shop one last time. it was a decision made by one partner on behalf of another partner without talking it out. period.


now, im not sore about it really. J did it for our good. but maybe im a sentimental guy. i really cant accept without a proper closure.

u know what i mean?

[seowlang]

Originally Posted by hardcoremayhem

Thank you for your kind compliments, dude. After posting all that i did in empathising with the TS, i realised that SBF has relly evolved over the years. I had been with SBF since the late 1990s (with a defunct nick) til now and had surfed it rather regularly. Previously when i posted similar things, i usually get ridiculed by others. Nowadays, it is truly different. Honestly, compared to some of the more mainstream popular forums, SBF appears to have a much more matured base of users.

I agree that it has changed. i really wasnt expecting anyone to give two shits about me and my problems after the juicy part is gone. but was pleasantly surprised that many many ppl still post to talk to me and even think hard and analysis my problems. much like u and bro Faraway.

to be honest, there wouldnt be another more appropriate forum for me to go to. my subject alone would have caused an article or even a headline in The Newpaper. however, what i was surprised was it still has so many ppl willing to talk abt topics outside of sex.

it may sound too altruistic but i do believe what goes around comes around (in a good way.) i geniunely enjoy helping ppl and now that im in the biggest shit of my life, im receiving help here. thanks!

[acidicavex]

Originally Posted by seowlang

sorry was busy at work.

hey bro, u r one of the first to reply in this thread and u r still around to hear abt my problems after more than a month. thanks alot.

while your views are alittle diff from bro hardcoremayhem, i thought i would like to add my views on why a 'proper' closure is needed. yes, u r absolutely right to say that no matter what i say, it will not change the fact that parting is the best solution. Agreed.

however, allow me to give u an analogy (i know u r saying, wtf, why so many analogies! paisay lah) suppose J is my business partner in a mama shop for years. now we all know that with the Giants, NTUCs and Carrefours, mama shops will be out of business anyway, its just a matter of time. As a partner, i would expect J to tell me when is the date we should close the shop and prolly have a farewell meal to thank each other for the efforts we put into setting up this shop. But what i got was an sms from my partner to say: partner, lets close it. u know its not gonna survive anyway. lets close before we lose till we are bankrupt. and lets do it today. i dont really want to hear from you bcos i will get emotional too and cry." i wasnt even given the chance to set the date, nor a farewell meal or even a chance to visit the mama shop one last time. it was a decision made by one partner on behalf of another partner without talking it out. period.


now, im not sore about it really. J did it for our good. but maybe im a sentimental guy. i really cant accept without a proper closure.

u know what i mean?

Sometimes some knot are better left untie bro........

[seowlang]

Originally Posted by hardcoremayhem

With regards to the "punishing" part, allow me to elaborate a little. What i mean is that the things that she is doing - cold shoulder, willful ignoring - is spiteful. yes, Spiteful. The rationale is that she is feeling bad about all of these and she has to take it out on someone and it cannot be on any one but You. Why you? Because you are the cause of her pain. Her heart break. Her betrayal of the sister she loves. And seeing you also constantly reminds her of what she cannot obtain. Frustration, Pain, Confusion, Sorrow, Self-loathing are all warring and rife within her. So she takes it out on you. Seeing you suffer is a good way to tell herself that you were (partly) to blame because your mute sufferance of her spiteful behaviour is justification that you are guilt as charged (in her mind). Because if you weren't, you would not be suffering.

That is why i said, to move on; to appear as you were prior to this incident. Put it behind you. Make her feel a little bad. Throw the ball back into her court. After she sees you like this, she may become even more mad but seriously, who the fxxk cares? Eventually, she will come to her senses and will either talk to you and provide proper closure or be forever estranged from you. Either way, you have nothing to lose.

Remember, hell hadth no fury as a woman scorned and we will only hurt those whom we really love (and feel hurt by those whom we truly love).

Be well, brother.

Bro, been thinking your statements for last 2 days. till now, i dont know if what u said could be correct. i always thought that the abrupt and inadequate ending was largely due to her disability to control her emotions, fear of me not agreeing to her decision and most of her, her age. i guess she is too young and immature.

i would be very hurt if she is doing all that to take it out on me.

nonetheless, im trying to attend the dinner with an open heart as what u suggested. I agree thats the best thing to do regardless of how she feels in both extreme scenarios.

u have a great weekend. tgiFf!

cheers
sl

[seowlang]

Originally Posted by sensit32

Mayb u can try kick boxing,muai Thai n other mma(mix martial arts) the gym is at china St far east

thanks for yr suggestion dude. not really keen on martial arts.

other then drinking, i do vent my frustrations in the gym. not as often as i would like though.

there are really more pubs then gyms near my workplace. thus, its really more convenient to drink.. =)

cheers
sl

[hickeybites]

pardon a sister intruding here a bit... just felt need to pen down few thoughts after reading recent posts from bros FarAway & hardcoremayhem. Kudos to you both for really empathetic points; like u both I feel a lot while following TS's thread. I had preferred to remain silent but felt the impetus to lend my sisterly 2c with regards to points about J's actions...

TS: both FarAway & hardcoremayhem may be right about J's thoughts & emotions; but as a woman I agree more with FarAway. It's hard to believe that someone who cared for you chose an abrupt ending out of willfulness or because she wishes to punish you. I understand your NTUC analogy - that perhaps J's chosen abrupt ending was not the best way for you... but it may have actually been the best one for your wife - the other very crucial party here. And as the adage goes: 长痛不如短痛 ~ in retrospect, there's never one "best" ending that suits all involved for anything in life right?

Allow me to quickly share: when I found out about my husband's affair, my immediate reactions were deep grief & immense anger. I badly wanted out of the marriage while at the same time I demanded that there be absolutely NO more contact between my husband & his affair partner (who is our mutual friend btw). Is such a request fair? Yes to me; but in a way not fair to my husband & his affair partner. I've only come to realize this point about needing closure after I've strayed myself ~ that a part of us desires (maybe requires) some form of conclusion even if the physical/emotional entanglement is wrong in the first place. A lengthier, "dreamier" ending/closure may have been preferred - and trust me, I empathize as I desire it with my encounter; but it would not have been fair for your wife who has been betrayed by her own family.

Personally I think J was/is very mature & as you've always stated throughout your entire thread, both of you knew what a big betrayal the affair was. At her young age, to try to close her heart & do her part to stop her affair from spiraling further for both TS & his wife's sake - that is strength & love. The aftermath is never easy & smooth-sailing ~ and I agree with FarAway, be thankful that the pains were internalized between you and J only. We may never know -- but perhaps the abrupt ending prevented more spillage & damage overall. Call me cynical - but I've witnessed with my own eyes many affair partners coming out with guns blazing threatening hurt on spouses & family because the affair was coming to an end without their happy endings. Perhaps that's why in spite of being hurt myself from an affair by 2 people whom I used to trust, I empathize with TS & J a lot -- especially J.

TS: you've come a long way since... continue to look forward. Lock deep inside yourself the vivid moments & keep them as they are - memories. Like you said, keep an open mind & be happy for J... and embrace your present with your wife. Take care... my best wishes to u (and your wife & J)

[gottosam]

Bro SL, it's always refreshing to see it from a lady's perspective. Sis hickeybites' post has struck many chords in my mind about your situation. Give J the benefit of doubt (tat she's not "punishing u but protecting u and her sis") and this should make your "letting go and moving on" easier. You would come out of it a better person...as pple say - if it doesn't kill u, it'll make stronger.
Kudos to you, Sis hickeybites for your valuable points. I have learnt some life lessons today.

[multiverse]

Originally Posted by seowlang

however, allow me to give u an analogy (i know u r saying, wtf, why so many analogies! paisay lah) suppose J is my business partner in a mama shop for years. now we all know that with the Giants, NTUCs and Carrefours, mama shops will be out of business anyway, its just a matter of time. As a partner, i would expect J to tell me when is the date we should close the shop and prolly have a farewell meal to thank each other for the efforts we put into setting up this shop. But what i got was an sms from my partner to say: partner, lets close it. u know its not gonna survive anyway. lets close before we lose till we are bankrupt. and lets do it today. i dont really want to hear from you bcos i will get emotional too and cry." i wasnt even given the chance to set the date, nor a farewell meal or even a chance to visit the mama shop one last time. it was a decision made by one partner on behalf of another partner without talking it out. period.

SL, I probably can't understand your feelings and situation but I think J did that because she had the most courage at that moment. It's like, sometimes we'll be "yes that's it I'm going to go ahead do this" and the next moment we'll start hesitating and start lying to ourselves and say "but what if....". I think she just didn't want to hesitate anymore, and she didn't want to hear from you cause she don't want to second guess her decision. I don't think she was taking it out on you at all.

My immature 2cents worth

[seowlang]

Originally Posted by hickeybites

TS: both FarAway & hardcoremayhem may be right about J's thoughts & emotions; but as a woman I agree more with FarAway. It's hard to believe that someone who cared for you chose an abrupt ending out of willfulness or because she wishes to punish you. I understand your NTUC analogy - that perhaps J's chosen abrupt ending was not the best way for you... but it may have actually been the best one for your wife - the other very crucial party here. And as the adage goes: 长痛不如短痛 ~ in retrospect, there's never one "best" ending that suits all involved for anything in life right?

Personally I think J was/is very mature & as you've always stated throughout your entire thread, both of you knew what a big betrayal the affair was. At her young age, to try to close her heart & do her part to stop her affair from spiraling further for both TS & his wife's sake - that is strength & love. The aftermath is never easy & smooth-sailing ~ and I agree with FarAway, be thankful that the pains were internalized between you and J only. We may never know -- but perhaps the abrupt ending prevented more spillage & damage overall.

Hey hickeybites, your views are much more than 2c to me. i would like to hear from a woman's point of view very much. afterall, no matter how much a man knows about women, it will never have a complete understanding of how their minds work.

i do agree that there is no one best way to end a matter especially an underground relp like this. prolly its so different from other relp that a 'normal' way of ending relp does not apply here. I tend to lean a little over to Faraway and your views, although the thought of her doing all these to spite me surfaced after it was brought up. i really dont know if i will ever find out the definite truth.. unless one day J and I can sit down to have a talk about it. i doubt that will happen anyway.

im not saying she hasnt sacrificed anything, but I really cant imagine if she did that to spite me after all that i have done for her. i will try not to dwell on this negativity for now since its just a hypothetical situation we are talking here.

thanks again for airing your views..

the ever grateful,
SL

[seowlang]

Hey Gottosam and multiverse,

thanks.. i will try not to dwell on the nagative aspect of it for now and take it that she made the decision bcos she is very worried she could change her mind or procrastinate again.

cheers
sl