Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas'smother could meet Tamara for the first time.

Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas s mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"

[bigbirdbird]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[bigbirdbird]

This young lady, sitting in a wheelchair at the local city pub, said that she had to leave. Her drinking companion Bill, being somewhat of a noble fellow, decided that -- as her home was uphill and some streets away -- offered to push her home.

On the way home, they stopped to rest and to chat. Full of alcoholic bravado, he remarked that she was a good looking gal and that it was too bad that, being a cripple, she probably didn't get much chance for any normal escapades.

Surprisingly, she answered quite boldly that this was not the case.

In fact, she said, "if you look in the alleyway you will see a hook imbedded in the wall. If you will attach my braces to that hook, we can easily have a fine time."

No sooner said than done and they had a wonderful time.

At the end, he carefully unhooked her, placed her back in the wheelchair, and took her home.

As he was saying goodnight, her father came to the door and invited the young man in for a nightcap after he took his daughter up to bed.

When he came down, the father was so friendly and nice that Bill's conscience began to prod him.

Blushing somewhat, he admitted to the father that he had "had his way" with his daughter. The father took the statement with such good graces that Bill had to ask why he was being treated so well after doing such a dastardly thing to his daughter.

The father looked at him quite seriously and said, "I knew you were a good man the moment you came in the door. Most of her other dates leave her hanging on that damn hook!"

[bigbirdbird]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he
was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the
hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind
him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
and fresh- squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom
edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would
be your last day, and that we should do something special for
you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a
dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[bigbirdbird]

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away.

She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog.

Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.

The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,

"Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

[bigbirdbird]

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.

Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.

So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

[Sammyboyforum]

Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[Sammyboyforum]

Swerve to avoid a box
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

[Sammyboyforum]

Dealing with criminals
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

[Sammyboyforum]

Partner takes vacation
Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

[Sammyboyforum]

New person in prison
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

[bigbirdbird]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man

a shot of Novocain. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the

patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man

objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having

the gas mask on, suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to

taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine

with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain

killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you

something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

[Sammyboyforum]

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. And Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, too."

"Every religion has holidays to celebrate. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holiday. It's an unfair discrimination"

His friend replied..."Well, why don't you celebrate April 1st?"