Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

[bigbirdbird]

CONDOM WEEK SLOGANS

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.

When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection, is to protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny was taking a bath one day, when his mother came in to use the bathroom. Curiosly, Johnny viewed his mother's anatomy while she was sitting down.

"Mommy,", Johnny asked, "what's that between your legs?"

His mother replied, "Why that's where your dad hit me with an axe."

"Came awfully fuckin' close to your cunt, didn't he?" he replied.

[bigbirdbird]

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

Remember these guidelines for future reference

[bigbirdbird]

Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... He said it was no big deal!"

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big dDifference between gangrene and lipstick."

[suntzu88]

You guys are good! Keep the jokes coming. Thanks!

[bigbirdbird]

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[bigbirdbird]

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

[bigbirdbird]

Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst I go out to my car," he challenged her.

Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're on."

Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet." Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear."

"No chance! You're on". said Sue.

He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and picked up the money once again he said. " To show you I am a sport,I'll give you another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through this hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and forefinger.

Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie! You're on."

He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and touched his forehead. "You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly that you won't even feel it."

Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!"

Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her, fucking furiously. "Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue screamed. "1 can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!! Oh WOW! You've lost the bet Mr. Smart Arse."

"Ah, what a bastard," said Greg as he continued fucking Sue, "but ... you win some, you lose some"

[bigbirdbird]

A woman was out shopping one day with her son.

The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said,"Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.

Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

[someguy]

Once upon a time, there was a young and beautiful princess who always take a bath in the lake in the woods. A commoner learns of this and decides to take advantage of the situation. He goes into the forest and hides under the ground,leaving only his man parts exposed.


The princess arrives to take a bath and saw a "mushroom" she had never seen before. Curious, she wanted to pluck the mushroom and asked her advisors' what it was and tried to pull it out. She kept on pulling until a white substance came out and the mushroom deflated. Thinking it was dead, she left it alone and left after her bath.


The commoner then went back to the village and boasted of his achievements. Other men decided to follow suit and hid in the forest near the lake. When the princess arrived, she was thrilled to see so many mushrooms in the area. Remembering what happened to the mushroom the last time she tried to pull it out, she called out to her guards and said: " Use your swords and help me cut these mushrooms...."

[bigbirdbird]

Confucius Say,
Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane.

Confucious say...
Women are like Lawn Mowers...If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Confucious say...
"Nail on board is not good as screw on bench."

Confucius Say...
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

Confucius Say,
"hole happy, whole body happy"

Confucious Say:
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

Confucious Say:
When Einstein stared at his cousin's boobs, he discovered 'Theory of Relative Titty'.

Confucius Say...
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius Say...
Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.

Confucius Say...
Dirty hands make your nose itch.

[bigbirdbird]

Marriage Jokes

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street the husband yelled, "No, jump in!"

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

[bigbirdbird]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'

Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'


Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes...........!'.