Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office.

Doug to Bill: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later.

Bill to Doug: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

[bigbirdbird]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple

[bigbirdbird]

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model.

After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris.

"Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model.

As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area.

Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have, but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[bigbirdbird]

FISHING TRIP NASCAR STYLE

Rusty Wallace, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jeff Gordon all went out on
Lake Norman for a friendly day of fishing.

Once they got out to where they wanted to try their luck, Rusty
noticed that in their haste to start fishing, they had forgotten
to unload their fishing poles from the truck.

Rusty says, "Damn... I'm not going back without any fish" So he
pulls off his pants and throws his manhood over into the water.

To everyone's dismay, he pulls in a 3lb bass. He takes the fish
from his member, pokes it's eyes out and tosses it in the cooler.

Not to be out done, Dale drops his trousers and let's his manhood
drop into the water. Soon, he is pulling in a 6lb bass! He
withdraws from the fish, pokes it's eyes out and tosses his catch
into the cooler.

They both turn to Jeff and ask if he would like to try his luck.

Jeff turns red faced and finally answers, "Sure, but you have to
promise not to poke my eyes out...!!!

[chocolatedream]

A little girl was in shock when she received her report card for the first time, so she brought it back to her mum, crying, of course.

"What's the matter girl?", asked mum.

"I got an 'F' in sex! And I had never had sex before!", exclaimed the girl.

Lame I know.

[vietnam80]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.


After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.


The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'


'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'


'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'



'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

[vietnam80]

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing Daddy's face with it."

[vietnam80]

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[vietnam80]

An account of a recent meeting between George W Bush and Condoleeza Rice. Priceless.


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the UN
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the UN?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

[vietnam80]

A rather scruffy-looking man goes into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he says to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking cheque account."

"Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking cheque account," growled the would-be customer.

"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"Just lemme open a fucking cheque account, okay?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the angry teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking cheque account."

"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

[Stabil0]

Originally Posted by vietnam80

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Hahaha ... this is a good one !

[vietnam80]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a
small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humbleshop." So the
married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think
you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert
camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for
yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife,
finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't
seen in many years -- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him
on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE
WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

[vietnam80]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men
use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks,
"Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March."

[vietnam80]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says,
"I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500
IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he
started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was
caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY
GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"

[vietnam80]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise
happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt
or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be
home before midnight. Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him
that read as follows:
Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old
pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore,
don't wait up.