Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[vietnam80]

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom."

"Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

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A Paksitani boy got admission in an American school.

Teacher: What's your name ?

Boy: Ahmad

Teacher: No, now you are in America your name is Johny from today.

Boy went home. Mom Asked: how was the day Ahmad?

Boy: I am an American now call me Johnny.

Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up.

Next day he was back to school, all bruised.

Teacher: What happend Johnny?

Boy: Ma'am, just 4 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistanis.


__________________________________________________ _______________

[bigbirdbird]

You have to hand it to the ancient Indian rishis for their deep understanding of life

Mahasrishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus "Kamasutra" that ....Sex is….

"Duty", if done with your Wife

" Art ", if done with your Lover

"Education", if done with a Virgin

"Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee

"Charity", if done with a Widow &

"Meditative Trance", if done by yourself

[StillLearning]

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.

He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[soundlab]

A professor is sent to middle of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

[soundlab]

That Much Beer

A married couple sitting in a restaurant enjoying their dinner, halfway through the main course the man excuses himself and goes to the toilet. The woman sits there alone and decides to touch up her lipstick. The man on the next table leans over and says to the woman, “you have amazing breasts, I want to tweak them and pinch your nipples until they bleed!”
That is disgusting, you pervert, wait until my husband gets back, he will punch you in the mouth for talking to me like that.
The man interjected, I have not finished, after I have made your nipples bleed I will rip your knickers off with my teeth and stick my tongue up your arse!
Oh, you fucking sick bastard, when my husband gets back he will kick your arse for saying these things to me…
Wait, I have not finished, after making your nipples bleed and after sticking my thumb up your arse I will fill up your cunt with beer, insert a straw and drink it all; what do say to that?
You are going to die when my husband gets back, he will fucking snap your neck you dirty perverted wanker…
A couple of minutes later, the husband returns and can see his wife is clearly upset.
What is wrong darling? asks her husband.
Well, that nasty man next door said some terrible things to me, he said he wanted to tweak and twist my nipples until they bleed!
The husband was outraged, he took off his suit jacket and before he could do anything else his wife said, ‘that is not all, he also said he would then stick his thumb up my arse!’
The husband now feeling really angry rolled up his sleeves and was about to beat the man up when his wife stood and said, ‘that is not all, he then said he would fill up my cunt with beer, stick a straw in and drink every last drop!’
The husband rolled his sleeves back down, put on his suit jacket and sat quietly at the table.
After a few seconds the woman turned to her husband and said, ‘why are you not beating the shit out of that dirty, perverted wanker who said those terrible things to me?’
‘Well, to be honest, I don’t wanna fight a man who drink that much beer!’

[Harken]

very nice thread.
thank you all for the jokes here.

[soundlab]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.

[soundlab]

A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”
“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”
“What?” asks the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of panties that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy.
“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”
“Then he pulled down the panties, got down on his knees and began to lick her, starting with her chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.
“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrott. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.”

[soundlab]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”
“What! Are you crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.
“No! Someone might see us…”
“It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”
“No! I said no!”
“Baby… don’t be like that.”
Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

[soundlab]

Why did I shoot him?

Your honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don’t stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven’t felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”
That’s when he yelled, “April Fool” and that’s when I shot the Fucking Son of a Bitch!!

[bigbirdbird]

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row.

Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.

A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties.

The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string.

Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.

Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

The guy answered, "It's running down your back, dude."

[bigbirdbird]

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"

[bigbirdbird]

I Can’t Get it Up




"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem.

I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.


"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the Doctor said.


"Now turn all the way around.




Lie down please.


Uh-huh, I see.

Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside.

"You're in perfect health," he said.


"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[vietnam80]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by buhbuhbuhbuhbatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe gaaaahdaaaam ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

__________________________________________________ _______________


The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "THE TEETH."

[vietnam80]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to t! he CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."


_________________________________________________


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"