Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day.

"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.

When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.

"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.

"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a coupe of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

[bigbirdbird]

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

[bigbirdbird]

Make sure you don’t make the same mistake when setting up your web page.

It's not always easy choosing the right domain name... but you can't do
much worse than these people.

Firstly there is "Who Represents?" - a database for agencies to the rich
and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try: http://www.therapistfinder.com

[bigbirdbird]

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.

Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

[bigbirdbird]

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.

So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

[nabill]

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said, "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

[tellme]

Mixed up??

A girl says to her dad... " i wanna marry Robert!".. he dad says."NO! marry others but not Robert".. she then ask " Why dad? why?".. then the father whispered.. "Don't tell your mum.. but Robert is actually your brother".. Surpised, she went upstairs and told her mum.. " Mum, dad says i can't marry Robert". Her mum said.." Don't listen to your dad.. u can marry anybody, even Robert".. surprised again the girl ask her mum "But dad said Robert is actually my brother, how can i marry my own brother?".. her mum then said.. "well, don't tell your dad.. he doesn't know that you're not his daughter!".. the girl faints!

[tellme]

Longest Scream

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

[141penang]

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[tellme]

Man rushes into a bar and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a double brandy before the trouble starts." The barman obliged, the man downed it in one and again said: "Quick, give me another double brandy before the trouble starts". Again he downed it in one : "Quick, give me another......" The barman said:" Just a minute, when's all this trouble going to start" The man replied "Anytime now, cos I've got no money.”

[MrBin]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[MrBin]

These are from actual resumes:

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”

"Sex : 3 to 4 times a week"

RESUME BLOOPERS

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”

[MrBin]

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: “Grandma, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced His family…”

Granny fainted….

[Anak]

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.

After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeete."

The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point,

I did not kiss a parakeete......I kissed a Cock-or-two."

[Anak]

Taxi Driver Joke

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again.
You scared the fucking daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I’ve been driving a hurse for the last 25 years.”