Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Anak]

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

“Olympic condoms?”, she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

[dingdong11]

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda.

As he relaxed, he watch a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
road. Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed for the first man.

"Hey there," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"We work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?"

"Well," one of the men replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yeah," Mike added. "Just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

[dingdong11]

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

[dingdong11]

Mr. Barns, a city slicker from New York, bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money with chickens than the previous owner made with pumpkins.

So, he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.

“50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,” commented the farmer.

“I am used to BIG business,” Mr. Barns replied.

A week later Mr. Barns returned.

“I need another 50 chickens,” he told the farmer.

The farmer replied, “Boy, you sure are serious about this chicken farming.”

“Oh yes,” Mr. Barns replied. “I just need to iron out a few problems with these new chickens.

“Problems?” asked the farmer.

“Yeah,” said Mr. Barns, “I think I planted the first batch too close together.”

[dingdong11]

Oh Gosh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

[dingdong11]

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...wh
ere do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

[dingdong11]

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me h
ome for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".

[dingdong11]

Once, there was a lawyer. This lawyer had a wife and a little girl who he loved. He made a good living and pretty satisfied with life.

He was surprised when his daughter began avoiding him one day. Goodnight kisses stopped. Hug were few and far between. She never sat on her father's lap and practically refused to listen to bedtime stories from him.

The lawyer began to get more than a little frus
trated with this behavior and decided to talk to his daughter about it. He brought it up with her.

She wouldn't talk to her father and so she wrote a note to be given to him via her mother.

When the lawyer read the note, he was a bit shocked. This is what it read:

"Mindy's dadee sayz that lawyers suk the blood ouwt of aneeone thay come close to. i dont want yu to suk mi blod, so dont come clos to me pleas. thank yu. sophie."

[dingdong11]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"

You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"

It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.

"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"

[bigbirdbird]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

[bigbirdbird]

SORRY MOM

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

[bigbirdbird]

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."

So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it."

And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"

Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[Raheemsterling]

Etiquette


During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

[Raheemsterling]

Grandma in court


Grandma Goes to Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!