Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 38

beary · #**556** 22-12-2009, 12:41 PM

Jingle Bells (Aussie style)

Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It's Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Engine's getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family's there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes 'round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute..

beary · #**557** 22-12-2009, 01:00 PM

Santa comes down the chimney … there sits a nice looking lady ….

She says : “ Santa .. Would you please stay with me tonight? “

Santa replies: “ HO HO HO GOTTA GO … GOTTA DELIVER ALL THESE TOYS DON’T YA KNOW!”

The woman then drops her robe off and is in a sexy nighty…

She says “Please Santa .. I am all alone … please stay with me just tonight !”

Santa replies : “ HO HO HO GOTTA GO .. GOTTA DELIVER ALL THESE TOYS DON’T YA KNOW!”

She then drops the nighty off … and is really looking good ….. she says as she rubs on Santa in the nude : “ Please oh PLEASE Santa …. Please stay with me tonight” !

Santa replies “ HO HO HO … GUESS I GOTTA STAY ………

CANT GET UP THE CHIMINY WITH MA PECKER THIS WAY !”

beary · #**558** 22-12-2009, 01:05 PM

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

'Go and get help!' he cried.

'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'

'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'

The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted..... ..!!!!!!! !!

Roman city · #**559** 22-12-2009, 01:24 PM

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package.

He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV.

In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Roman city · #**560** 22-12-2009, 01:32 PM

A man is lying on an empty beach, sunbathing in the nude. He looks up to see a little girl approaching him. He looks frantically for something to cover himself with. He quickly grabs a magazine he was reading and puts it over himself.

The little girl comes up and asks what is under the magazine.

"A sleeping bird" the man says. "Don't disturb it".

The girl leaves, and the man falls asleep shortly after.

When he wakes up he is in a hospital with his crotch in extreme pain. The doctors ask him what happened to him. He tells them that he told a little girl it was a bird, and then went to sleep.

The doctors sent police to the beach to find the girl. When they find her, they ask her what happened.

She told them, "I got curious about the bird that the man hid. When I woke it up and began to play with it, it spit on me. So i broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and lit its nest on fire."

Ken80 · #**561** 22-12-2009, 08:29 PM

haha thats a nice one

seesaw · #**562** 22-12-2009, 08:59 PM

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

seesaw · #**563** 22-12-2009, 09:00 PM

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her.

Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her perform oral sex with him a number of times.

The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"

Sperm Man · #**564** 23-12-2009, 02:07 AM

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Caisheng · #**565** 23-12-2009, 03:14 AM

Everyday a laughter is the best medicine for releasing stress. thanks bro

Thailord · #**566** 23-12-2009, 06:33 AM

[SIZE="3"] Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." [/SIZE]

Thailord · #**567** 23-12-2009, 06:37 AM

Election Victory

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted: "The results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smile faded: "Aw, hell, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

Thailord · #**568** 23-12-2009, 06:38 AM

Extra Large Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells XL-size condoms.

"Yes we do," he replies: "Would you like to buy some?"

"No thanks," she responds: "But do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Thailord · #**569** 23-12-2009, 06:47 AM

Disabled Joe

A handicapped Vietnam vet is limping down the street, dragging his right foot behind him. He looks up and sees another guy about his age walking toward him. The guy is also dragging his right foot. Another disabled Joe!

The vet walks up to him, grabs him, by the hand and says: "Mekong Delta, 1969."

The other guy looks him square in the face and says: "Dog crap, five minutes ago."

Thailord · #**570** 23-12-2009, 06:50 AM

Brain Transplant

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of rocket scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says: "This is a rip-off! How come the lawyer brains are so damn expensive?"

The doctor replies: "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"