Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

HOW TO SHIT LIKE A MAN:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

[LovePotion]

emmmmm thats a good one keep it up this really help to brighten up our day

[bigbirdbird]

I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loose, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you're male.

[bigbirdbird]

If men wrote the Dear Abby column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[bigbirdbird]

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky', because he's a little fat?"

"Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he fucks pigs!"

[bigbirdbird]

Some of you may or may not remember the origial 1980's song by Gloria Gaynor!


Sing this along to the Gloria Gaynor tune "I Will Survive"......


At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....


But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!


Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a
brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count???!


(Chorus)
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!. . Hey! Hey!
[Verse II]


It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs Now I'm
saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
(Chorus)

[habbo]

A man was married a beautiful girl. He wanted to be with her every night. But the wife answered: "Sorry. I am tired. Tomorrow." "O.K sweety", and went to sleep.

One day, the man was tired of that story, so he told his wife, please dress with a short skirt and a sexy blouse. We will go to the zoo. The wife curious but follow her husband.

At the zoo, they went to see a gorilla. The husband told her: "Please show your legs. O.k. show your beautiful breast." The gorilla was very enthusiastic and become furious braking the cage. The wife asked the husband: "What I will do now?" The husband answered: "Tell him that you are tired, that tomorrow will be a better day!"

[habbo]

A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was stopped by by policemen on patrol. The police asked the man to produce his car document. When they could not fault the document, the next question to the man was: "My friend, do you realise that you committed a criminal offence by driving alone in this car at late night?" The man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and Gabriel are all with me in the Car." The policeman replied: "You mean, all these people are in this small car?I charge you for overloading!"

[t123]

SANTA'S PICK UP LINES

I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>

I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!

[t123]

10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

[t123]

WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

A Christmas tree is always erect.

Even small ones give satisfaction.

A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

A Christmas tree has cute balls.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

[bigbirdbird]

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa


Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa


Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa


Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa


Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa


Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa


Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa


Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa


Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

[bigbirdbird]

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs?
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A: A misconception.


Q: What if my husband gets a vasectomy, and I get pregnant ?
A: Your husband will find out that someone has it in for him.


Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex just once a year.

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet!"

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: Should I have a baby after 40?
A. No, 40 children is way too many already.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember.

Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what your doing with them.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q: What are forceps?
A: Giant baby tweezers.

Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A: Brute force.

Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful!

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you.

[bigbirdbird]

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.

Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.

"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".

Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.

Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.

Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter??? I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?".

"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair anyday".

[bigbirdbird]

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency


1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).


2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!


3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!


4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.


5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.


6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!


8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.


9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.


10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.


11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.


12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.


13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.


14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.


15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.


16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.


17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.


18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.


19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.


20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.


21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.


22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask


23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.


24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!


25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.


26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.


27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!


28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.


29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.


30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.


31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.


32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.


33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.


34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.


35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.


36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.


37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.


38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.


39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.


40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen