Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Sanur]

Financial Jokes - A chemist, an engineer and an economist

A chemist, an engineer and an economist are stranded on a deserted island. They carry with them some canned food but have no ordinary means of opening the cans. The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans. The engineer thinks it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around. The economist begins, "Assume we had a can opener..."

[Sanur]

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided. QUESTION: Who did the investor marry? ANSWER: The one with the biggest breasts

[Sanur]

Alien Sex
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars
after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to
swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only
a teeny, weeny member about
half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long
enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap
his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive,
but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull,his member grows wider and wider
until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed
and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal
partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was
pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a
headache. All she kept doing the whole time
was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[Sanur]

A Touching Letter
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety
Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The
letter was sent to the principal's office after the
school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and
forward it to all those who could use a lift. It's a
heartwarming story

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old
and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the
Aged. All of my family has passed away.

It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me.
God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten
lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but
would never let me listen to it, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the night
stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful
and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck
you.

[Sanur]

Attorney General Janet Reno
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having
one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky
that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to
put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean
I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass
at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest,
fart I can." And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so
to speak!
Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and
hurried home.
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when
Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew
that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts
all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and
forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

[Sanur]

BAD POEM
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning,
"Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every
day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my
wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to
make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this
little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue,
I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so
dang sentimental an' shit...."

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try,
so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes,
broken nose, fat lip, the works.

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and
tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told
him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I
could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"

[Sanur]

BAG
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter,
I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a
million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's
only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The
boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a
mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over
her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an
original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a
ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the
hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get
me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she
gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he
hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the
bag."

[Sanur]

Bathroom Call
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes
into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the

screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something

comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!

[Sanur]

Bells
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model
danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his
privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model
danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She
proceeded
down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to
the
ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the
other bells went off

[Sanur]

Going to Heaven
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and
is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she
strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood
curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone
getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their
halo."

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even
more terrible than the one before.

"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone
getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their
wings."

The lady starts to back away.

"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.

"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and
sodomized!"

"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."

[Sanur]

BIKER CLUB
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
Fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[soundlab]

The Nuns...

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session.

At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns.

She said, "There was a man in the convent last night."
99 of the nuns go "ohhh", and 1 of them goes "hee hee hee".

The head nun goes on,
"We found a condom in the garden."
Again 99 of the nuns go "ohhhh", 1 nun goes hee hee hee.

The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns go "hee hee hee", 1 nun goes "ohhh".

[soundlab]

Little Susie

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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life.
Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

[soundlab]

Three Women

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Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C, I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron, I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

Note: Thalidomide, is a drug used to treat morning sickness and to aid sleep that is known to cause birth defects.

[soundlab]

The Cavity

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One day a mother walked into the bathroom to find her little son Tommy furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she yelled.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."