Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Why e-mail is like a penis -

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis"...

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

[bigbirdbird]

Bar Translations: What they really mean...

"No, really, I'm OK to drive." -- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts." -- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me." -- We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." -- Happy hour is about to end....now beers are 2 pounds, but by the next round they'll be 4 pounds a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time." -- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Let's get out of here." -- I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (female) -- I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (male) -- I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already." -- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?" -- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse me." (male to male) -- Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female). -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." -- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 pounds and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?" -- What's cheap?

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." -- I already lined up a ride home with your wife.

"That person looks really familiar." -- Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paypack in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?" -- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 19.

[bigbirdbird]

Abdominal Pains

A woman has pains in her lower abdomen so she goes to the gynecologist for a check-up.

"Let me have a look," he says, and she immediately disrobes and climbs on the table and puts her feet in the stirrups
. "Hmm...it's quite obvious...you aren't having enough sex, but I think I can help you."

He drops his trousers on the spot and and shoves his thick cock in her and gives her a good workout.

"Now go into the next room and my colleague will give you a second opinion."

As it turns out, the colleague comes up with the same diagnosis, so he gives her a good shagging as well with even a bigger cock, and sends her into the next room for yet another examination.

The third diagnosis is, "No question. You are having too much sex, your vagina is stretched!"

"But your colleagues said I wasn't having enough sex!"

"Oh," says the doctor, "you shouldn't listen to what those maintenance men say...."

[bigbirdbird]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS
1.) You've have to "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e.,"Hi! I'mShirley! Nice to meet you, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" you know. Be gentle, contrary to your practicing techniques in senior school, the one who "melts" the Popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're going to do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY important.When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball .. Your aim is not that good, and your 140 lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the Love Sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... Lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the Love Tool - like any good tool you want to keep around for a while, you've have to take good care of it, just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate.You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step No.1 again. If no response, then you must sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr.Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude picture of Janet Reno and the Queen playing chess at the Naturist Beach last July

.8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr.Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr.Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ...Not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not thatDeep! What are you doing ...Drilling for oil??" Say,"Wow you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?" And never never ever say "Is it in?"

[MrBin]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

[starbuck]

I have a friend, his surname is 尤 given name is 发金.

One day he travel to USA. At the US Custom exit, while scanning his passport, the officer ask him "What is your name?"

Thinking that angmoh tend to put their given name first and family name last, he answer the officer :" My name is 发金尤."

" What? " say the officer..
" My name is 发金尤, 发金尤 = (fucking you) ......"

He was warned for insulting a civil officer...

[bigbirdbird]

Q) Why are clams like women?

A) Because when the red tide comes you don't eat them.


***********

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She
committed suicide!"

[bigbirdbird]

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long he will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

[ChairmanMao]

Keep it up, nice jokes

[DRSG]

An escort lady is arrested in China . The policeman interrogated " Why are you selling yourself ?"

The escort lady , frustrated , answered in tears :
Living off the Party but the Party was corrupt, living off factory then the factory went for sale .
Living off the small patch below takes little time, money comes fast and there is no graft
nor corruption. You said I was selling , it was only my body but not my soul. When a turnip
is pulled, the tunnel remains. How can you call that selling ? Ah !


Then the policeman asks loudly : You do not know the crime?


The escort lady was perplexed, said :
I am not living off the people nor the Party. One little bed then I am on duty.
There is no noise nor contamination, prospecting with a crack, not producing
any boy nor girl, not causing trouble to the country. What crime is there ?


The policeman is stuck, has to turn to a Party commissionaire for help who asks:
"Do you know this is the way to compromise public stability and unity ?

The lady lifts up her dress , asks " Is this thing an organization? The Commissioner
shook his head.
"Is this yours ?" Again, he shook his head.
"Is this state owned? " More head shaking.

The lady says in anger : " Did you ever study the Law of Property ? I am not getting it.
In this great environment of modelling after Comrade Lei Feng (a revolutionary hero in '60s) ,
I am letting others use what I have. What wrong is there ?

The commissionaire goes into deep thing for awhile Then, " Comrade, you have worked hard ."

[bigbirdbird]

Monika and Judi, colleagues at work, were having lunch in the office cafeteria one Friday.

"So what are you doing this weekend?" Monika asked Judi.

"I have a ski weekend planned," Judi answered. "Two nights and three days hitting the slopes. I've been saving up for it for several months. I'm really looking forward to it."

"Sounds great," Monika replied. "You'll have to tell me how it goes."

The following Monday, the two friends were once again having lunch in the office cafeteria.

"So how'd your ski weekend go?" Monika asked Judi.

"It was great," Judi replied. "But...there was some good news and some bad news."

"What was the good news?" Monika asked.

"The good news," Judi answered, "was that I shared the cabin with these two drop-dead gorgeous men!"

"Wow! That must have been wonderful!" Monika replied. "So what's the bad news?"

"The bad news," Judi explained, "was that they were engaged to each other!"

[bigbirdbird]

A sexually active, middle-aged woman, informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years, they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 red roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the Burn Unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[soundlab]

After a Night in a Hotel

After spending the night at a hotel with a prostitute, a politician takes three $100 bills out of his wallet and places them on the dresser.

"Thanks," says the hooker, "but I only charge 20 bucks."

"Twenty bucks for the whole night?" the politician yelps. "There's no way you can make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," replies the prostitute. "I do a little blackmail on the side."

[soundlab]

Awaiting Her Arrivial

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read...

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 10, 2011
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!