Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"

[bigbirdbird]

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.

One: Take out your penie-pipe.

Two: Pull back the foreskin.

Three: Pee.

Four: Push back your foreskin.

Five: Put your equipment back."

The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"

"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.

I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four....."

[bigbirdbird]

Q: What are the 2 most important holes of a woman?
A: Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.

Q: Why are guys so good at video games?
A: It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy centerfolds.

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

Q: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite!

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide her eggs???
A: She doesn't want anyone to know that she's fucking a chicken!

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying..... A prick is the guy who owns it.

Q: Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?
A: It's for Dickheads!

Q: Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
A: So women can finish the job off properly!

Q: Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Q: Men are like bagpipes...
A: You won't get anything unless you blow them first.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black miniskirts?
A: 'Cause their balls show.

[bigbirdbird]

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience.

Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.

Friend: How so ?

Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse...

[mevius]

bro dont mind i share share


Two ghosts met and both chat about
how they died.

1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of cold.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator.
Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I
felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not
much suffering.

1st ghost : You're so pityful....
2nd ghost : How about you? How did u
die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that ******* was hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the ******* was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that
running,I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the ******* in the fridge? If you did, both of us were alive now!!

[thomko]

I Want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather....Not terrified,
frightened or hysterical liked the passengers who keep screaming (cry father cry mother)
in the taxi which my GRANdfather was Driving........

[bigbirdbird]

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

[bigbirdbird]

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"


---------------



Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.

Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons? "

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

[soundlab]

Moment of Silence

A teenager girl invited her new boyfriend over for dinner and suggested that they could make love afterwards.
On his way over, the boy stopped at the pharmacy and asked for advice in selecting a condom.
When he sat down at her parents dinner table, he bowed his head deeply in prayer.
After several minutes, the girl interrupted, "You've been praying a long time. I didn't know that you were so religious." Without looking up, the boy said, "I'm not praying. I just didn't know that your father was a pharmacist."

[soundlab]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

[soundlab]

A nun with big boobs boarded a bus and sat near a dude. The dude kept looking at the nun's boobs. The nun realized this. She held her rosary and asked, "Are you looking at Jesus on the cross?" The man said "No, I'm looking at the 2 thieves beside him."

[MrBin]

A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.

Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.

To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!

The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.

The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'

'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.'

[dingdong11]

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked ''Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?'' Her response was, ''The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . "

[dingdong11]

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.

Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

[dingdong11]

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass., fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.