Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[dingdong11]

A woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.

So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"

[dingdong11]

Five Englishmen travelling across Europe in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing.

The Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the border official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the official, "he can't come. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

[dingdong11]

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.

One day Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cried.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jamie.

"Yes," answered Amy, "but your husband's an antique dealer!"

[bigbirdbird]

Daddy , how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'


The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:




You got Male!

[Soul_Reaper]

Always nice to come in here for a few laughs

[bigbirdbird]

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car.

Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.

The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!"

The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

[bigbirdbird]

Blow Jobs - A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

[bigbirdbird]

"What Size, Please?"

Harry noticed he was running low on Rubbers, so he stopped by the local
Drugstore.

"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's Assistant sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted Her skirt and told him to enter her.

He was delighted to oblige.

"Size six." she told him after a moment, "Now, take it out.

How many?"

Harry bought a dozen, and on his way Home, he ran into his friend Tom.

Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place On order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my Size." he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room And repeated the procedure.

"Size seven, sir.

Now take it out please.

How many?"

But Tom kept on going until he was done.

"None, thanks." he told her, zipping up His pants and grinning, "I just came in for a fitting."

[bigbirdbird]

The Gunfighter

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.

Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will' the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'

[bigbirdbird]

1 Why do men prefer blondes?

Men always like intellectual company.
2
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. .

3
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?

A: Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

4
Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:

1. Bleed for a week and not die.

2. Give milk without eating grass

3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

5
Q: Why did the hillbilly cross the road?

A: His dick was stuck in a chicken.

6
Q. Why did the gay guy give his lover a blowjob after sex?

A. He wanted to have his cock and eat it too.

7
Q: Why did the blonde pee on the floor?

A: Because the sign said "wet floor."

[bigbirdbird]

Why are you naked ?

So I come home early one day and the wife is sitting cross-legged on the bed, completely naked.

"What's going on? Why are you naked?" I ask.

"Oh, it's just that I haven't got any clothes to wear," she replies.

"Bollocks," I say, throwing open the closet door. "Look, you've got tons of clothes. Here's a red dress, here's a blue dress, here's Fred, naked with cum dripping on the floor, here's a flowered dress..."
-- .

[bigbirdbird]

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

[ahpui123123]

What is the difference between a rapist and an ugly man?

The rapist has choices.

Please zap me

[dingdong11]

These are from insurance forms in which drivers were asked to explain their disasters in the fewest words possible.
***************************

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.

A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

One wheel went into a ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator, leaped across the road to the other side, and jumped into the trunk of a tree.

I had been driving for about 40 years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

[dingdong11]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

Fred turned to his wife.

"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"