Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[soundlab]

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[soundlab]

Tricking a nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[soundlab]

At the nude beach

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[bigbirdbird]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced
Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began
Nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to
Help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby,
And he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the
Breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,"And all these years,
I've been blowing my nose and chewing gum."

[bigbirdbird]

THE WORD FUCK




Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings: How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression: Fuck you!
6. Disgust: Fuck me.
7. Confusion: What the fuck.......?
8. Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair: Fucked again...
10. Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we.
13. Disbelief: Unfuckingbeliveable!
14. Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial: "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity: "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
19. Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
20. Directions: Fuck off.
21. Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?

It can be used in an anatomical description - He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business - How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal - Motherfucker.
It can be political - Fuck Barack Obama!

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from?
-General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun.
-John Lennon

Who's gonna fucking find out?
-Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll.
-Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive.
-Commander of the Space Shuttle

What fucking map?
-Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her!
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

-You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Why? - Because its fucking there!
-Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?
-Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass.
-Noah

[dingdong11]

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide,

"Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

[dingdong11]

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., Tom's squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, they realized they'd lost their map. The patrol navigator informed them, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.

[dingdong11]

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything.

Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

[dingdong11]

For many years Gail worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, her supervisor told her she was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, her supervisor called her into his office and told her the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? Gail clearly wasn't doing her job.

Every time he saw her, she was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

[dingdong11]

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked:

"What do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply.

"W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

[dingdong11]

A husband, who is not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife's months of nagging to take her out dancing. During the evening one guy on the dance floor is giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

Seeing this performance, the wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.

Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.

Without thinking she just announced, "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off."

[bigbirdbird]

A penis is a splendid thing;
you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin,
it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly
when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side,
his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;
it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust,
it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own;
it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out,
just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves,
erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off,
and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little,
sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care,
for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -
now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size;
they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets,
wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them,
there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin -
at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ,
no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best,
but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions,
I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life,
and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing
about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing,
it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one,
until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

Why Email is Like a Penis
Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would
be devastated if it were ever cut off.
They think that those who don’t have it are somehow
inferior. They think it gives them power.
They are wrong. Those who don’t have it may agree that
it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss
that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but
it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that’s the only thing
it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they
didn’t have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some
people take this interaction very seriously, others
treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what
kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures,
it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If
you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and
more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than
its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get
you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp your behavior.
Later you may ask yourself, “Why on earth did I do that?”
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own
devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it
did before.

[bigbirdbird]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer.

The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic.

As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right
hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple