Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[RapidoBoy]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

[RapidoBoy]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

[RapidoBoy]

Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply

[RapidoBoy]

First Condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

[RapidoBoy]

New York Bar

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

[RapidoBoy]

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

[RapidoBoy]

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

[RapidoBoy]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

[hugs]

Mr Lee & his wife were unable to conceive children, and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Lee kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by
chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Lee cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've
made a speciality of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the
bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
> for Han and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Lee.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd
be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Lee muttered. The
photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Lee exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Lee.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the Chao Chu Kang
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Lee, eyes widened
> in amazement.

> "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."

Mrs. Lee leaned forward. "You mean they actually
chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
> It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?
Madam?...

..Good Lord, she's fainted!!

[extremerulz]

Never fails to make my day...thank you all..

[RapidoBoy]

Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, “There really is no justice in this world.”

The other little old lady says, “What do you mean?”

The first little old lady says, “Look at that.”

“When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.”

“When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.”

“When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.”

“When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.”

“When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.”

“When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.”

“When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.”

“And now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild!!”

[RapidoBoy]

Always Been a Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”

His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

“So did anything happen?”

“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.

“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”

“Then what happened?” says the man.

“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”

“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”

[RapidoBoy]

An Hour of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

[RapidoBoy]

Grilling Remarks

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!” She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken

[RapidoBoy]

Cigarette Warnings

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.”

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.

How about something like this:

# Warning: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?

# Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.

# Warning: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

# Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

# Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.

# Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is.. if you’re capable of conceiving any.

# Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.

# Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?

# Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

# Warning: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.