Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'

[bigbirdbird]

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

[bigbirdbird]

A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.

In the process, the condom slipped off.

The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.

Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.

Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."

[bigbirdbird]

Who couldn't use a visit from the "Hot Sex Fairy"?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. issing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[bigbirdbird]

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

[bigbirdbird]

Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst I go out to my car," he challenged her.

Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're on."

Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet."

Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear."

"No chance! You're on". said Sue.

He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and picked up the money once again he said.

" To show you I am a sport,I'll give you another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through this hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and forefinger.

Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie! You're on."

He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and touched his forehead. "You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly that you won't even feel it."

Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!"

Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her, fucking furiously. "Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue screamed. "1 can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!! Oh WOW! You've lost the bet Mr. Smart Arse."

"Ah, what a bastard," said Greg as he continued fucking Sue, "but ... you win some, you lose some"

[bigbirdbird]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth ​.​
In the ​ ​middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and
As he ​ ​turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
Deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
Became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
With her date. After being informed of the problem, their
Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out..
​​
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
Shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's
Going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

[hairy_abalone]

UP UP UP thread.. Happy TGIF everyone!!!

[bigbirdbird]

A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer.

They are amazed at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically good looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow.

"Jim you are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"So, you've joined a fitness club then?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"But your face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What are you doing?"

"I've got a new girl friend," says Jim.

"But how does that get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?"

"Well" says Jim, "my new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I've every seen. In fact she's like a wire brush down there!"

"So?" says the inquisitive friend.

"So, going down on her is the quickest way I know to exfoliate and moisturize your face at the same time!"

[bigbirdbird]

A guy goes for a job as a bouncer in a brothel; the manager is very impressed and offers him a superb package including company car, free life insurance etc.

The best of the perks is he is promised a free bunk up with the girl of his choice every night.

Needless to say he takes the job. At the end of the first day the manager comes up to him and tells him to take his pick of the girls, the guy picks the blonde in the schoolgirl uniform and off they go to a private room.

Much to his surprise she just gives him a quick one off the wrist and leaves the room.

"That's odd" thinks our hero, "perhaps she's tired today."

At the end of day two he picks a redhead dressed up as a nurse same thing happens, back to the room and a quick one off the wrist.

"Oh well" thinks our none too bright hero "I'm tired myself tonight so I won't worry."

Anyway, this goes on the rest of the week, every night a different girl and every night just a quick one off the wrist.

At the end of the first week the MD asks our man if he has any comments at all, usual stuff, they are pleased with him etc. but does he have anything to say.

Our man may be slow but shyness is not one of his qualities so he tells the MD that all the girls have just given him a quick one off the wrist but he was promised a bunk up every night.

To this the MD replies, "But surely you realize you have to work a week in hand"

[IamNinjaTurtle]

Great Thread!

[PrinceCharles]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A guy goes for a job as a bouncer in a brothel; the manager is very impressed and offers him a superb package including company car, free life insurance etc.

The best of the perks is he is promised a free bunk up with the girl of his choice every night.

Needless to say he takes the job. At the end of the first day the manager comes up to him and tells him to take his pick of the girls, the guy picks the blonde in the schoolgirl uniform and off they go to a private room.

Much to his surprise she just gives him a quick one off the wrist and leaves the room.

"That's odd" thinks our hero, "perhaps she's tired today."

At the end of day two he picks a redhead dressed up as a nurse same thing happens, back to the room and a quick one off the wrist.

"Oh well" thinks our none too bright hero "I'm tired myself tonight so I won't worry."

Anyway, this goes on the rest of the week, every night a different girl and every night just a quick one off the wrist.

At the end of the first week the MD asks our man if he has any comments at all, usual stuff, they are pleased with him etc. but does he have anything to say.

Our man may be slow but shyness is not one of his qualities so he tells the MD that all the girls have just given him a quick one off the wrist but he was promised a bunk up every night.

To this the MD replies, "But surely you realize you have to work a week in hand"

I like this, really funny

[bigbirdbird]

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

[bigbirdbird]

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

[bigbirdbird]

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.

After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeete."

The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeete......I kissed a Cock-or-two."