Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the baby-sitters teeth."

[cupid xpress]

ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day

A judge asked a woman why she wanted a divorce.
She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."


Woman: "Doc, an ant entered my vagina, can you please take it out ?".
Doctor removes her panties and starts making love.
Woman: "What are you doing?"
Doctor: "This is the only way to drown the bastard!"


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Answer: Your SALARY. It comes once a month, lasts 3 - 4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!


A lady visited her doctor again.
The Dr. said: You look more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought you said 3 MALES a day!!!!


Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.
GOD Said "No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!


A nun went for a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she was pregnant, she cried and said, "Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore!"


A boy pulled down his pants in front of a girl & asked, " Do yo have this? "
The girl lifted up her skirt & said, "My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"


Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take SEX EDUCATION."
Class Teacher: " Why not?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"


Mother asks daughter how married life.
Daughter shyly says it is like BRITISH AIRWAYS.
Mother reads the advertisement & is shocked.
It says
"7 DAYS A WEEK, TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!"


What is the STRONGEST muscle?
TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!.
The lightest muscle?
PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!


Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist, "Name?"
"Park Yu."
0fficer become angry & shouted back, "FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name?"
Korean replied, "PARK YU TOO!!"

Man to wife: Business is bad. If you learn how to cook, we can remove our servant.
Wife: ASSHOLE! If you learn how to fuck, we can remove our driver, gardener & watchman..


COCK says to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.
BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us hanging OUTSIDE!

[cupid xpress]

My friend send me, I thought it is funny, so I copy paste here....

[chaku]

Originally Posted by cupid xpress

My friend send me, I thought it is funny, so I copy paste here....

Nice ones bro

[LeftAlone]

Originally Posted by cupid xpress

My friend send me, I thought it is funny, so I copy paste here....

Nice share bro

[FakePartner]

Originally Posted by cupid xpress

My friend send me, I thought it is funny, so I copy paste here....

Thanks for sharing

[etsys]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

That's a keeper.

[bigbirdbird]

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the magnate.

"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property, you do not own her."

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!"

[bigbirdbird]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:


- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin' nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a "hot rock massage", and go shopping...

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question. So little

Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!" ok, that wasn't so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.

Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!", well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"

Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, cept of course, for little Johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.

Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: "Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right thru it!"

[MattJB]

Abu is a young Malaysian tourist on his first visit to London. He locates the red light district on the edge of Soho and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, laugh a little, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, whereupon she gasps and runs away.

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain Abu. They sit and talk, laugh a little, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. When he whispers in her ear, she screams, “No!” and walks away quickly.

The madam is surprised that this normal-looking man has managed to ask for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides to send her most experienced lady, Lola. Lola has never said no to anything; she considers it impossible that anything can surprise her. Lola approaches Abu. They sit and talk, laugh a little, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, “YOU MUST BE JOKING, YOU MADMAN!”, smacks him hard in the face and immediately runs out of the room.

Madam is intrigued beyond tolerance by now. She’s seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. What unspeakable act has this man been suggesting to her girls? She hasn’t done the bedroom work for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.

She finds the challenge irresistible. And it’s a chance to show off to her employees, she thinks. So she goes over to him and says that she’s the best girl in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, laugh a bit, drink a little, and she sits on his lap. He then he leans forward and whispers in her ear:



“Can I pay in Ringgit?”

[ShaTinGao]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, cept of course, little Johnny, who's frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question. So little

Johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!" ok, that wasn't so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little Johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.

Little Johnny sez with a big ol smile on his face: "why teacher, it's a cock!", well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is. So next the teacher asks the class: " can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a cock on the barn as a weather vane?"

Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, cept of course, for little Johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she's probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.

Little Johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: "Its a cock, cuz as everyone knows if it were a cunt, the fuckin wind would just blew right thru it!"

A fucking good one
Thanks

[warbird]

Planning Ahead

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."

The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $50,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement

"I'll take it!" Declared the old man.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "Sir, there's NO money in that account!"

The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"

[bigbirdbird]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the
cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"

[bigbirdbird]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

the next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."