Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.

The madam says to her,

" Do you have any questions?"

The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"

The madam says," The same as the short ones".

[bigbirdbird]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The MAN of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of Sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, "The funeral director" would be my first guess.'

[bigbirdbird]

HORSE RACE Line up and odds:


In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 t0 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1


AND THEY'RE OFF!!!


Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.


AT THE HALFWAY MARK:


It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.


AT THE TURN


Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.


AT THE STRETCH:


It's Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide


AT THE FINISH


It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head
Bare Belly shows
Thighs continue to fall back
Heavy Bosom pulls up
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

[bigbirdbird]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[bigbirdbird]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ...sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."

[MKKG]

During the colonial days (1940’s), a bhai fellow sodomises his wife in his home for the first time and ends up in court.

After the prosecutor read out the charges, the judge asks the bhai - have u anything to say?

Bhai – “tuan, saya tadak faham … “rumah saya punya, air lampu saya bayar, beni saya punya, beni punya depan saya punya … beni punya blakan government punya?”


You need to understand malay in order to fully enjoy this but if u do a translation, it might be ok.

Cheers

[MrSage]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[MrSage]

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

[MrSage]

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."

Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

[A88088]

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

A: "Cheap, cheap!"

[A88088]

You seen white people goin, 'Oh, how ya doin', Bob? Ah, no I.D. with me today. No, I forgot my I.D. Just go ahead --$5,000.' Brothers be at the bank -- he's got his birth certificate, social security card, his lotto tickets, his pictures his kid drew, and they're still over in the back going, 'I don't think that's him. I'll tell you what, give him $28.'

[A88088]

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

[LuckyEight]

Very nice jokes all around. Thank you.

[LuckyEight]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[LuckyEight]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"