Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

They Met on a Singles Cruise


Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed replied, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Answers Men would Most Like to Give to Women's Stupid Questions (But Never Will)


10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it’s all the ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I won't be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.
1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to screw it.

[bigbirdbird]

Harsh Things a Woman Might Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
31. I'm so sorry.
32. Who circumcised you?
33. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
34. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
35. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
36. Let me go get my tweezers.
37. Let me know when you're done.
38. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

[Cruyff]

Nice jokes TS
Thanks

[bigbirdbird]

Willy and his friend Harry stopped at a bar and decided to, have a couple of beers .

As they were drinking their beers, they noticed an attractive young woman came in and sit at the bar across the room from their table.

The way she was sitting, they could see up her skirt, though in the dim light, they could not see much.

"Check it out," said Harry, "She's wearing black lace panties!"

Willy looked over, and countered, "That's not black lace, that's hair, see how it shines!"

Looking harder, Harry said "No it's not, you can tell from the way she carries herself, she's a real class act. She's got on black lace panties."

"You're nuts! You can tell from her eyes that she is really wild. She's not wearing anything under that skirt!"

This went on back and forth for several minutes before Willy challenged Harry. "I've got $20 that says she is not wearing panties."

"You're on. How do we find out for sure?"

Willy said "I'll go up to the bar and get a couple more beers. I can get a better look as I go past her."

When he came back a minute later, Willy had a strange look on his face.

"Well, what is it, lace or hair?" asked Harry.

"Flies!"

[bigbirdbird]

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

[bigbirdbird]

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.

So he waits. They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around.

On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"

John says, "You're kidding!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."

Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink.

On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling. "There's no use John," she said, "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"

[Azuyak]

Very nice jokes bro!!

[bigbirdbird]

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.

'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow job I've ever had.'

'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'

The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.

'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of my life, then let me take her up the ass!'

'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just infatuation.'

'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?' asked Little Johnny, confused.

'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!'

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my G~d!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She
committed suicide!"

[Bonucci]

Hehe classic Johnny jokes!!!

[KarmaCafe]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

Thanks bro, this is a good ones

[pastagirl]

Very good jokes, thanks for sharing bro