Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[leanmeat]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."

Nice one!!

[JustANewbie]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the eveningSuzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a verypassionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

This is good!

[Pichichi40]

Excellent jokes!! Thanks bro

[KTVbuddy]

Please continue updating all the wonderful jokes.

[bigbirdbird]

Burning Your Calories

Having nice sex burns ...............................358 calories.
Having rough sex [make it hurt] .................543 cal.

Kissing someone for 1 minute ....................26 cal
Giving head ..............................................32 cal
Take off her clothes with her consent ..........12 cal
Take off her clothes without her consent ....187 cal

Take off her Bra with two hands .....................8 cal
Take off her Bra with one hand ...................12 cal
Take off her Bra with mouth .......................85 cal

Put on Protection hard ................................ 6 cal
Put on Protection soft ...............................315 cal

Foreplay - Looking for target ...........................8 cal
Foreplay - Finding G spot ...............................92 cal
Foreplay - I don't F***ing care ........................0 cal

Entry - Holding her .......................................12 cal
Entry - On the floor ........................................8 cal

Position - Missionary ...................................358 cal
Position - Doggy .........................................316 cal
Position - 69 lying .......................................286 cal
Position - 69 standing...................................512 cal
Position - Italian hanger...............................912 cal

Orgasm - Real ...........................................112 cal
Orgasm - Faking ........................................315 cal

After "O" - Lying in Bed ..................................18 cal
After "O" - Hop off the bed ..............................36 cal
After "O" - Wondering why she left pissed off ..816 cal

Get dressed - Quiet and calm .............................32 cal
Get dressed - Rushing....................................98 cal
Get dressed - Heard her boyfriend opening the door.......1218 cal
Get dressed - Heard her dad at the door..................1942 cal

[bigbirdbird]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at tall."

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[bigbirdbird]

She was only the ........

Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.

Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.

Athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.

Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.

Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.

Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.

Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.

Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.

Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores!

Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box!

Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.

Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.C

lergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.

Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.

Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.

Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.

Draught man's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.

Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.

Electrician's daughter, But she light up half the town.

Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise.

Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.

Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.

Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone.

Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.

Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.

Ganges's daughter, But she knew the fettles length.

Garage mans daughter, but she didn't like the smell of benzols!

Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver :^)

Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.

Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!

Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.

Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure.

Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.

Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.

Moon shiner's daughter, but I love her still.

Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.

Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.

Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all

Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.

Photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.

Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.

Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.

Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean.

Postman's daughter, But she always had mail in her box.

Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.

Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.

Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.

Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.

Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.

Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....

Tree feller's daughter, but tree fellas were never enough for her.

Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff.

Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck!

Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.

Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.

Wood-chopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles.

[bigbirdbird]

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your prick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt real raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names.
By satisfying miss Snow White
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next drink 7-UP.

[CudinRot]

Thanks for sharing!!

[bigbirdbird]

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.

The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!

[FUNNYANDHORNY]

Stay Calm....

[PuaDehKor]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.

The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!

Nice one hehehe

[bigbirdbird]

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there."

"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."

"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.

"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."

[bigbirdbird]

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Millard's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.

She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've shore got ugly tits."

[bigbirdbird]

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.