Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

​Sex Guide for Schmucks
1. Oral sex does not mean talking sex.

2. A condom is not necessary if you're just wanting to masturbate.

3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.

4. Oral Contraception goes beyond just saying "no".

5. Not to be characterized as a crime, mutual consent is required.

6. No woman is so desperate to fuck you the first time. If this happens, remember to pay it, if you run a serious risk of physical aggression.

7. Abstinence is not one of Kama Sutra positions

8. Do not tell your crush that you have an Oedipus complex.

9. A good phrase to avoid is: They took 80% in my circumcision.

10. Speed ​​is not a virtue.

11. When she says "Deeper, dear," does not mean you have to reach your tonsils.

12. If by chance it seem airless, it is not necessary to call the paramedics.

13. When she says "there is great!", Does not mean you have to spend the next 25 minutes concentrated in the same place.

14. Do not boast the size of your penis. She might have a fit of giggles.

15. Animal Sex does not mean sex with animals.

16. Safe sex does not mean sex under four walls.

17. Make love, does not mean it is Hippie.

18. Make a 69 does not mean betting on the numbers game.

19. Tantra is not language error.

20. Play charm does not mean deodorant pitch or cigarette.

21. When she says "Faster, faster," it is not because a hurry.

22. When she says "Dear first preliminary," will not be talking about the Brazilian soccer championship.

23. If you still believe that the will Motel just to watch TV, take a shower or because they have nothing else to do on a Saturday night, I would tell her that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and goblins are not well.

24. No. Transar in a Volkswagen Beetle is not tight engraçado.É.

[KTVbuddy]

Thanks for sharing all the great jokes.

[goooster]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[goooster]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[goooster]

“Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!”

[goooster]

First Condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

[goooster]

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

[myine]

Thanks for sharing all the good jokes.

[Cageng]

Very good jokes, thanks for sharing.

[tamelover]

best joke of the year : Donald Trump won the Presidency

[sibehchio3]

Originally Posted by tamelover

best joke of the year : Donald Trump won the Presidency

I thought Singaporean are dumb, now I know Americans are dumber

[FUNNYANDHORNY]

Enjoy.,and have a good laugh.,

[NewPaper]

Thanks all for sharing nice jokes

[bigbirdbird]

The first old geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogy one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

[bigbirdbird]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"