Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS


1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

4. A hard-on doesn't' t count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. You! Off my planet!!

8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.

10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it

11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2

22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!

23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"

24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.

27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth.

28. Earth is full. Go home.

29. Is it time for your medication or mine?

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[bigbirdbird]

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.

As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

[bigbirdbird]

Ex

A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.

B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.

[bigbirdbird]

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

[prawnshop]

Very good jokes, thanks bro!!

[NastyThaiboy]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.

As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

Haha!! Keep the jokes coming, really enjoyed reading them. Thanks.

[bigbirdbird]

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

[bigbirdbird]

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.

The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.

Aviaries are where you find birds."

Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.

Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.

After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right!

There's been a cockatoo in there."

[bigbirdbird]

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

[bigbirdbird]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.,and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude.Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

[bigbirdbird]

FEMALE PRECOITIAL AGREEMENT:

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________

Date ____________________

[geography]

Very nice jokes, thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

🐔A Priest kept chickens at his village. One evening the cock went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, - "Who has a cock?"... All the men got up. "No, I meant who has seen a cock?"... All the women got up. "No, No, Who has seen a cock that isn't their's?"... Half the women got up. "Oh, for Heaven's sake, Who has seen my cock?"... All the nuns got up...😝😝😝
Technical Difference 😱😱😱
English is a funny language😂😜😅

[lobangkingz]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

🐔A Priest kept chickens at his village. One evening the cock went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, - "Who has a cock?"... All the men got up. "No, I meant who has seen a cock?"... All the women got up. "No, No, Who has seen a cock that isn't their's?"... Half the women got up. "Oh, for Heaven's sake, Who has seen my cock?"... All the nuns got up...😝😝😝
Technical Difference 😱😱😱
English is a funny language😂😜😅

Haha, good one bro.

[galassassin]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

🐔A Priest kept chickens at his village. One evening the cock went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, - "Who has a cock?"... All the men got up. "No, I meant who has seen a cock?"... All the women got up. "No, No, Who has seen a cock that isn't their's?"... Half the women got up. "Oh, for Heaven's sake, Who has seen my cock?"... All the nuns got up...😝😝😝
Technical Difference 😱😱😱
English is a funny language😂😜😅

Hahahaa damn good one!!