Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Astreme]

Very nice jokes, thanks bros!

[KnowItAll]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Three d**ks are talking about what their owners are like. Two of the d**ks say their owners are really nice and like to rub them and pat them. The third d**k says that his owner is really mean. The two other d**ks ask him why, and he explains, “Well, every night my owner puts a raincoat on me, sticks me in a deep dark hole and makes me do pushups untill I throw up.”

like ur jokes very much.. power.. more soon pls.

[scoundrel]

Laughter is the best medicine.

[PuppetEP]

Originally Posted by scoundrel

Laughter is the best medicine.

Was thinking the same.

[XingLing]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Three d**ks are talking about what their owners are like. Two of the d**ks say their owners are really nice and like to rub them and pat them. The third d**k says that his owner is really mean. The two other d**ks ask him why, and he explains, “Well, every night my owner puts a raincoat on me, sticks me in a deep dark hole and makes me do pushups untill I throw up.”

Friend, XingLing +2 for your funny jokes

[SouthgateSing]

Very nice jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird and all who contributed!

[bigbirdbird]

A Golfer's Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”


”All right,” Martha said. “So, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

[kunst]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Golfer's Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”


”All right,” Martha said. “So, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

Very good one hehe

[madpig88]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Golfer's Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”


”All right,” Martha said. “So, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

Very nice joke bro, do share more.

[bigbirdbird]

It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

He says. "That's cool."

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "We know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"Dammit, Daddy! The Twist!!! It's called The Twist!"

[bigbirdbird]

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

[bigbirdbird]

Girls You Might See in the Restroom

SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.

DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.

SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.

WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers.Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.

THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.

STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.

[Glamed]

Very good jokes, thanks!

[Orange22]

Originally Posted by kunst

Very good one hehe

Agree with you bro ROFL

[taureanwoman08]

Thanks for the funny jokes. Keep my happy when I am down and depressed.