Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[cupid xpress]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Golfer's Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

”All right,” Martha said. “So, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

LOL.... Good one

[VictoriaNguyen]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[lobangkingz]

Many thanks for all the jokes, do continue sharing.

[bigbirdbird]

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.

While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.

He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking"

"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

[haywick]

Thanks for all the good jokes

[bigbirdbird]

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

[bigbirdbird]

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored. "Break my arms."

[bigbirdbird]

Honeymooners





A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners.



The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through.

Finally the salesman could stand it no longer.



He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off --there's other people trying to get some sleep!"



From the other room came a weak, a faltering male voice said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Penis List





* The Absolut Vodka penis: It's Absolut' perfection.


* The Alka seltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz.. Oh, what a
relief it is...


* The All-State penis: You're in good hands.


* The American Express penis: Don't leave home without it.


* The AOL penis: It's so easy to use, no wonder it's #1?


* The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.


* The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.


* The Beef penis: It's what's for dinner.


* The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead... flick my bic!


* The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.


* The Budweiser penis: This bud's for you!


* The Burger King penis: Have it your way..


* The Campbell’s soup penis: Mmm mmm good!


* The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it
is longer.


* The Chevy penis: Like a rock.


* The Citibank Visa penis: It's everywhere you want to be.


* The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.


* The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.


* The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.


* The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...


* The Domino's Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!


* The Double mint penis: Double your pleasure, double your
fun!


* The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going...


* The Frosted Flakes penis: They're
GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!


* The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.


* The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle...


* The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one!


* The Life penis: Mikey likes it.


* The Lucky Charms penis: They're magically delicious!


* The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?


* The Milk penis: It does a body good!


* The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.


* The Nintendo penis: Now you're playing with power.


* The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..


* The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!


* The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a
woman.


* The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.


* The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on.......


* The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take ...


* The Transformers penis: It's more than meets the eye.


* The Wendy's penis: Where's the beef?


* The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin’.

[bigbirdbird]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life



1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

[S.B.Y.1]

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.

When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up all together and one sitting by itself away from the pack.
He spotted and killed the one sitting by itself and to the owners surprise, that was the exact one that had swallowed the diamond !!!

The amazed diamond owner asked: "How did you know it was that rat?"
He responded: "Very easy.......
*When idiots get rich, they don't mix with others!!!"*
😏😜😂

[ah rat]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.

When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up all together and one sitting by itself away from the pack.
He spotted and killed the one sitting by itself and to the owners surprise, that was the exact one that had swallowed the diamond !!!

The amazed diamond owner asked: "How did you know it was that rat?"
He responded: "Very easy.......
*When idiots get rich, they don't mix with others!!!"*
😏😜😂

Bro good sharing.Hope it not me

[lobangkingz]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.

When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up all together and one sitting by itself away from the pack.
He spotted and killed the one sitting by itself and to the owners surprise, that was the exact one that had swallowed the diamond !!!

The amazed diamond owner asked: "How did you know it was that rat?"
He responded: "Very easy.......
*When idiots get rich, they don't mix with others!!!"*
😏😜😂

Very nice joke Pak.

[AtomicBlonde]

Tks to all who post jokes.

[bossini]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.

While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.

He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking"

"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

Good joke bro.