Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[songkarma]

Tks for nice jokes.

[BogeySander]

Thx to all contributors.

[bigbirdbird]

"I bought a racehorse today."

"Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and whatare you going to do with him??

"I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile injust under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if he makes me any money."

"Then why'nthehell did ya buy him??

I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!'

GOD I'd love to hear that!"

[bigbirdbird]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple

[bigbirdbird]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE

[bigbirdbird]

HOW TO SHIT LIKE A MAN:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

[bigbirdbird]

Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.

The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."

The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"

The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.

[bigbirdbird]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.

3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.

OK, seven rules.

[bigbirdbird]

How to Make Love Like a Man

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

[Delegate]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[FUNNYANDHORNY]

What is pussycat doing?....

[Minolta]

Originally Posted by FUNNYANDHORNY

What is pussycat doing?....

Smelling out another pussy?

[lipe]

Tom Jones:

What's new, Pussycat?
Whoa, whoa
What's new, Pussycat?
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers
And lots of hours
To spend with you.
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your pussycat nose!

Originally Posted by FUNNYANDHORNY

What is pussycat doing?....

[Sakuba]

Originally Posted by lipe

Tom Jones:

What's new, Pussycat?
Whoa, whoa
What's new, Pussycat?
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers
And lots of hours
To spend with you.
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your pussycat nose!

Tom Jones must be a great pussy lover

[bigbirdbird]

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."




..................

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."