Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."


............


How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.

Grandpa said, When you're first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary.

Well, how about you and grandma now? The younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now. What's oral sex? The young bridegroom asked.

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO.

[bigbirdbird]

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

[bigbirdbird]

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

[bigbirdbird]

Home from the Honeymoon


Phil and his new wife had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment.


Coming home from work one night, the landlady met Phil in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play which is now in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," Phil responded.

He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"No way!" his bride retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my mother!"

[bigbirdbird]

Why Fishing Is Better than Sex



- A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.

- You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.

- You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.

- Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.

- Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.

- Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.

- A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.

- A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.

- You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.

- If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.

- A smart fish knows when to keep its mouth shut.

- It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.

- Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.

- You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.

- Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

[bigbirdbird]

Beach Vacation





A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel.



As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".



Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"



Husband replies, "You're right, let’s go to the beach."



After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach.



All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your clothes on immediately. Shame on you, you can't do that in public!"



Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."



The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry. You are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time this last week that I caught this woman doing her things with guys on this beach, and she will have to pay."

[bigbirdbird]

If men wrote the Dear Abby column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[PearPucker]

Very nice jokes, thanks!

[bigbirdbird]

If Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store


Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.

Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."

If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8

There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.

Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.

Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."

Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."

No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.

Paper or Plastic or Rubber?

Some men would still be in the Express Lane

[bigbirdbird]

Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt with Balls"

Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for two months.
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you do an Abo as they are smelly b@st@rds, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid bush rash.

Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.

Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants me to do her mate.
A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.

Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.

Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?

Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.

Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick.

Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What do I do ?
A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever admit to going with a kiwi.

Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it ?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.

[bigbirdbird]

Jerry was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him.

He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favourite kind of legs!"

The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"

Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"

[bigbirdbird]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.



SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

[someday]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.



SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

Thanks for listing the ground rules.
I am glad to know that i have never cheated on my wife.

[CIALangley]

Originally Posted by someday

Thanks for listing the ground rules.
I am glad to know that i have never cheated on my wife.

Did not know if such things got rules also

[Obtusive]

Originally Posted by CIALangley

Did not know if such things got rules also

Same here, did not know too