Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, "Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave."

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman.

The teacher replied, "Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars."

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?"

The student replies, "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it.'"

[Ihowlian]

Good one BBB.

[basfreak]

really enjoyed all the jokes shared by bros, keep it coming.

[duckside]

Great jokes, thanks!!

[TimKane]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first.

"Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Absolutely true hahaha!!

[JustANewbie]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, "Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave."

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman.

The teacher replied, "Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars."

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?"

The student replies, "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it.'"

Haha, very nice joke bro.

[donot8]

Very nice jokes, thanks!!

[cupid xpress]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, "Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave."

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman.

The teacher replied, "Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars."

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?"

The student replies, "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it.'"

Hahahahahaha 😂😂

[smoothjazz1918]

These jokes can really make your day if you are feeling down.
I also look forward to the news ones. Thanks for sharing.

[bigbirdbird]

One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you."

She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special.

"Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look."

So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.

When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.

"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you."

Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra.

"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are."

After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.

Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh."

Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again.

Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to waita little while."

[bigbirdbird]

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference Between a pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me."

He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where She was sleeping nude.

"Son" he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy".

The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and Furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up".

[bigbirdbird]

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her.

He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO"

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton."

And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

[bigbirdbird]

Joke: A True Story

A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."



They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.

"And that, sir, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room."

[bigbirdbird]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely,

"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

[bigbirdbird]

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.

Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."