Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Truckers]

Great jokes thread, thanks bro!

[35cents]

nice one bro!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A family was at the dinner table. Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered--
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.?
After 50, they are like onions'.?

Son--'Onions?'?'
Father---Yes, you see them and they make you cry.😭'?

This made his wife and daughter mad😡.
So d daughter said--Mom, how many kinds of 'penises' are there??

The mother smiled and answered-- 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.?In his 20's, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard? In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch🌴, flexible but reliable.?
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'?

Daughter-A Christmas tree?
Mom-'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.😝😂

Merry Christmas in advance

[Jostella]

Thanks for the good jokes, bro bigbirdbird

Have a nice weekend!

[lobangkingz]

Support this thread. Hope bros will continue sharing the jokes.

[CouchRun]

Originally Posted by lobangkingz

Support this thread. Hope bros will continue sharing the jokes.

Fully agreed, support too

[LiuDeHua]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A fully Nude Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

The Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a naked woman before?"

Chinese Driver: I no look you naked. I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?

MORAL:

Be Chinese!
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what!

Nice joke bro, thanks!

[UnChoose]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A family was at the dinner table. Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered--
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.?
After 50, they are like onions'.?

Son--'Onions?'?'
Father---Yes, you see them and they make you cry.😭'?

This made his wife and daughter mad😡.
So d daughter said--Mom, how many kinds of 'penises' are there??

The mother smiled and answered-- 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.?In his 20's, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard? In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch🌴, flexible but reliable.?
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'?

Daughter-A Christmas tree?
Mom-'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.😝😂

Merry Christmas in advance

Good one ... Merry Christmas too!

[Congreats]

Good jokes here, thanks!

[bigbirdbird]

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large greenlump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

[bigbirdbird]

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against his young wife.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the magnate.

"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property, you do not own her."

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!"

[bigbirdbird]

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

[bigbirdbird]

Some definitions


Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Adultery - The wrong people doing the right thing.

Chivalry - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

Conscience - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

Constipation - To have and to hold.

Husband - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

Minute Man - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

Morning - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

Nun - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

Nursery - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.

Sin - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

Sissy - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

Spring Fever - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

Stork - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

Taxidermist - A man who mounts animals.

Tomcat - A ball bearing mouse trap.

[bigbirdbird]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror for her birthday.

This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse didn't it?"

[bigbirdbird]

SEX QUIZ FOR REAL MEN

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

[bigbirdbird]

Having nice sex burns ...............................358 calories.
Having rough sex [make it hurt] .................543 cal.

Kissing someone for 1 minute ....................26 cal
Giving head ..............................................32 cal
Take off her clothes with her consent ..........12 cal
Take off her clothes without her consent ....187 cal

Take off her Bra with two hands .....................8 cal
Take off her Bra with one hand ...................12 cal
Take off her Bra with mouth .......................85 cal

Put on Protection hard ................................ 6 cal
Put on Protection soft ...............................315 cal

Foreplay - Looking for target ...........................8 cal
Foreplay - Finding G spot ...............................92 cal
Foreplay - I don't F***ing care ........................0 cal

Entry - Holding her .......................................12 cal
Entry - On the floor ........................................8 cal

Position - Missionary ...................................358 cal
Position - Doggy .........................................316 cal
Position - 69 lying .......................................286 cal
Position - 69 standing...................................512 cal
Position - Italian hanger...............................912 cal

Orgasm - Real ...........................................112 cal
Orgasm - Faking ........................................315 cal

After "O" - Lying in Bed ..................................18 cal
After "O" - Hop off the bed ..............................36 cal
After "O" - Wondering why she left pissed off ..816 cal

Get dressed - Quiet and calm .........................................32 cal
Get dressed - Rushing
.................................................. ..98 cal
Get dressed - Heard her boyfriend opening the door.......1218 cal
Get dressed - Heard her dad at the door........................1942 cal