Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.

She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".

"I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair's got arms."

[bigbirdbird]

Bankruptcy


A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

[bigbirdbird]

Police Officer’s Evening Rounds

It was a small town, and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.'

[bigbirdbird]

Agriculture

One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm equipment.

She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of class?" she asks.

Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy.

"What is this Suzy?"

"It’s a rake."

"Very good. Now, can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at the next picture.

Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny.

"That's a pitchfork" says little Anne..

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" the teacher asks once more.

Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course its little Johnny.

Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?"

All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer.

"UH, UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel.."

"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe."

"What? My sister's a hoe and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Makin’ Whiskey

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey.

A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.

"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.

"No, sir!", said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"' he asked.

"No, sir," said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said "Your Honor, are we STILL talking about whiskey here?"

[bigbirdbird]

In the Middle of the Night

An eledrly man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."

[bigbirdbird]

New Panties

A frustrated middle-aged wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.

After doing this enough times that her husband notice, he finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

[35cents]

nice one bro....

I will tell it to my team mates tomorrow as a joke & threat....

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Bankruptcy


A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

[Context]

Originally Posted by 35cents

nice one bro....

I will tell it to my team mates tomorrow as a joke & threat....

Its a very good and apt joke

[FEDERER801]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Return favor back!

[Informer]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

this is so funny, many thanks Pak. great share.

[JustANewbie]

Camping here for more nice jokes.

[bigbirdbird]

Pick up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels,could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached,scrambled,or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your
face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea,I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red.Violets are blue.I like spaghetti.Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10.If your right leg was Thanksgiving,and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass,I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must! be retarded,because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button.....from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra,but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town,could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong,but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here,but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby,what's your sign? Caution,slippery when wet,dangerous curves ahead,yield?

22. I can't find my puppy,can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa,because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink,or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here,but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you,but if I were on you,I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out,but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry,I thought that was a braille name tag

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts

Q: Who are the three most dangerous men a man can meet?

A1: A black guy with a gun.

A2: A Puerto Rican with a knife.

A3: A gay man with a chipped tooth.



An Alabama Redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman, watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at them homo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country with men marryin' men, and women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out there and protest! Don't you think so?" She replied, "Yes, Daddy."


The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!


A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments, and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.



Q: What do you call a gay Mexican man?
A: A Señor eater

[bigbirdbird]

Two Drunk Guys


Two guys were getting drunk in a bar, and were talking about all manner of things.

One was going on and on about a motel he and his wife had stayed at. "I tell ya," he said excitedly, "this place was cool. It had a Jacuzzi, a sex swing, hell it had a contraption that we just couldn't figure out what to do with -- so I shoved it up her ass."

"Really? Hmmmm," his friend said.

"You gotta take your wife there."

"My wife? I'm not taking my wife, she won't do any of that stuff. I'm thinking I'll take your wife."