Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Their First Flight


Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."

"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always looks for is da black box.

[bigbirdbird]

Speeding Ticket


A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.

The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer, you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead"

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Red Light


A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

[skyscaper]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Little Red Light


A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Thanks for the nice jokes!!

[cmt8zaimas]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Speeding Ticket


A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.

The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer, you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead"

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

Very nice joke, thanks!!

[cowtory]

Thanks for all the nice jokes bro bigbirdbird!

[lobangkingz]

keep on sharing all the great jokes bros!

[S.B.Y.1]

[Cuntworth]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Hahahaha

[devilogy]

Happy father's day to all sammy daddies brother!

[livernopool]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Little Red Light


A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Haha nice

[bigbirdbird]

Sexual Harassment


After a sexual harassment incident at work Frank is sent to a psychiatrist for evaluation.
​ ​
The Doctor explains that he'll be showing Frank a series of ink blot images called Rorschach Inkblots.

Doctor: "Now Frank, as I reveal each image tell me the first thing that comes to mind, okay?"

Frank: "Sure, I got it."

The doctor shows the first pattern.

Doctor: "What do you see?"

Frank: "A women with really big tits."

Next image.

Frank: "A man and a women doing it doggie style."

Next image Frank: "Hey! She's going down on that guy."

The doctor puts down the images and says, "Frank, you seem to have an obsession with sex."

Frank: "Me! Hell, Doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.


Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend. They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!" The six-year-old says to his brother, "Then he must be fucking her up the ass!"



Q: Why was Ronald McDonald fired?
A: They caught him giving Wendy a Whopper at Burger King.



Q: Why do blondes prefer black panties?
A: They wear them as a memorial for all the stiffs that were buried down there.



Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?
A: To keep the foreskin from slipping up over their heads.


Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? " "Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"



A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."


Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."


Q: Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was busted for drug smuggling at the airport?
A: Seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack.

[bigbirdbird]

Pianist Wanted


He was a ragged old man who shuffled into a waterfront bar that afternoon.

Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player wanted sign from the window and handed it to the bartender I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player, and business was falling off.

"What do you do ?" he asked.

"Im retired.' was the answer. "As a matter of fact, I’m a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, but since I retired I've done nothing but drink, chase broads, and play the piano.

Now really unsure, the barkeep decided to give him try...he really needed more business "The piano is over there....give it a go."

The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered.

But, by the time he was into the third bar of music.. every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender bought the old sailor a beer and told him he really, really sounded good. “What do you call that song?" he asked the old sailor.

"It’ called, “Drop your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight', said the old chief, as he took a long pull from the beer..

The crowd winced along with the bartender, but the piano player went on.

"I've got another,"...and he began to play again.

What followed was a knee-slapping,' hand-clapping' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

People were coming in from the street to hear this guy play.

After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out."

He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.

After thinking a bit the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked or what his songs were called.

When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job. but then he noticed the old man's fly was undone and his unit was hanging out.

He said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but first I gotta ask, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!

[bigbirdbird]

First Meeting


Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas' mother could meet Tamara for the first time.

Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas’ mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn t she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that cunt come off with all that crude bullshit?"