Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

[bigbirdbird]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I
will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want
to do that!

I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened
fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and
blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about 200 feet into a
cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.

'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder,
then stick it in his ear.'

[XO365]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I
will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want
to do that!

I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened
fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and
blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about 200 feet into a
cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.

'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder,
then stick it in his ear.'

Wahahaaa this is funny!!!

[sapodilla]

Fantastic joke bro.

Keep the jokes coming.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

[guyana]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

Always love reading jokes posted by bro bigbigbrid.

Thank you so much.

[dassier]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

Nice joke bro. Pls continue sharing.

[FewJones]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

Very good contributions by bro bigbirdbird, thanks!!

[SantaKlauz]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

No sex since 1955


A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely

Young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him

To a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


(Gotta love military time!)

Hahaa nice one bro!

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

[bigbirdbird]

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to Fuck,
but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

[bigbirdbird]

List Of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week

1. Cover Your Stump Before U Hump

2. Before U Attack Her, Wrap Yr Whacker

3. Don't Be Silly, Protect Yr Willy

4. When In Doubt, Shroud Yr Spout

5. Don't Be A Loner, Cover Yr Boner

6. You Cant Go Wrong If U Shield Yr Dong

7. If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.

8. If U Think She's Spunky Cover Yr Monkey

9. If U Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize

10. It Will Be Sweeter If U Wrap Yr Peter

11. She Wont Get Sick If U Wrap Yr Dick

12. If U Go In To Heat, Package Yr Meat

13. While Yr Undressing Venus, Dress Up Yr Penis

14. When U Take Off Her Pants And Blouse, Slip Up Yr Trouser Mouse

15. Especially In December, Gift Wrap Yr Member

16. Never,Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker

17. Dont Be A Fool, Vulcanize Yr Tool

18. The Right Selection Will Protect Yr Erection

19. Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil

20. A Crank With Armor Will Never Harm Her

21. No Glove, No Love!

[bigbirdbird]

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked Alice to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher chose Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance. "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum" she said.

"Wrecked 'im, you bet it wrecked 'im...shot his balls clean off."

[bigbirdbird]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"

[FriskyPartner]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

Another classic Little Johnny joke

[Oktoberfest]

Very nice jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird