Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Roman city]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motorcycles still parked out front. The policeman goes round the back of the pub to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other. “So what’s going on here?” he asks. The biker replies, “My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.” The cop says, “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT.” The biker replies, “That’s what I’m going to do next!”

[Ruffles]

Your Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[Ruffles]

Childbirth

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

[Ruffles]

Name Those Twins

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

[beary]

A survey asked women:

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"
Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

[simple2kee]

support this thread. it makes my day. thks bros for their contributions.

[bakylotus]

REASON FOR DIVORCE


Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he
had to break off their engagement so that he can marry
another woman.

'Can she cook like I can?' the distraughted woman asked.

'Not on her best day', Hank replied.

'Does she buy you expensive gifts like I do?' she asked.

'No, she's broke'.

'Well then, is it sex?'

'Nope, nobody does it like you babe'.

'Then what is it? What can she do for you that I can't?'

'She can sue me for child support'.

[Roman city]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said no. The Doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. She asked, “You can get pregnant from anal sex?” The Doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?”

[ilovelife.now]

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

“What’s the problem?” asked the lawyer.

“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man.

“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property, you don’t own her!”

“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!”

[ilovelife.now]

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay," says the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out."

"No," says the shaking boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

[ilovelife.now]

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.

After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mothers once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

[ilovelife.now]

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

[ilovelife.now]

Thomas said to Jane, "I'll bet you fifty Dollars, I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."

"You're crazy," said Jane. "That's impossible. Here's a fifty Dollar bet that says you can't."

The two fifty Dollar notes were placed on the mantelpiece and Thomas then enfolded Jane and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly.

She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips."

Thomas pushed the two fifty Dollar notes toward her and said, "So I lose."!!!

[ilovelife.now]

This elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in her foot. The further she walked, the more sore it got. After a while she started to limp. After a while, this ant walks up and asks, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

The elephant answers, “I’ve got this thorn in my foot and I would do anything to get it out.”

The ant says, “Anything? Would you let me make love to you?”

The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided what the heck. How bad could an ant be? So she agreed.

The ant started pulling on the thorn and sure enough, he got it out. True to her word, the elephant laid down on her side and moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up and started loving on her.

This monkey was up in a tree watching this. He couldn’t quite believe his eyes. He started laughing and rolling around in the tree. Then he knocked a coconut out of the tree that went down and hit the elephant right between the ears.

The elephant moaned loudly from the hit,”Awwoooohhhhh!”

The ant yelled at the top of his voice, “Take it all darling, take it all!!”

[ilovelife.now]

An elephant and an ant were ardent, dedicated lovers. Unfortunately parents of the animals were racist and opposed this union.

So, there was a conference and every animal in the forest was invited to decide. There were so many arguments and counter arguments. Finally the pair were invited to speak.

The elephant explained in detail how he met the ant, fell in love and cannot live without her.

everyone expected the ant to give a much more moving speech.
She simply said "I am pregnant"!!!