Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 781

Hurricane88 · #**11701** 29-03-2020, 11:33 AM

More covid-19 jokes...

etsys · #**11702** 29-03-2020, 05:46 PM

Applies to Singapore as well I guess

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.

Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?

A: Only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. economy and spend your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.

* if you purchase a phone or computer, it goes to India,Taiwan or China.

* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.

* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead keep the money in America by:

(1) Spending it at a socially-distanced yard sale, or

(2) Get takeout from a restaurant, or

(3) Spend it on prostitutes, or

(4) Beer, or

(5) Tattoos

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

CONCLUSION: Get takeout with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

Your friendly tax accountant

bigbirdbird · #**11703** 30-03-2020, 06:08 AM

This is the funniest one I’ve seen so far.... 😂🤣....

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Hurricane88 · #**11704** 30-03-2020, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

This is the funniest one I’ve seen so far.... 😂🤣....

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

I had posted the same joke earlier...

https://samsforum.asia/showpost.php?p=19...ostcount=11685

otamay · #**11705** 30-03-2020, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

I had posted the same joke earlier...

https://samsforum.asia/showpost.php?p=19...ostcount=11685

Well done, more please.

Cash8877 · #**11706** 30-03-2020, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

nice share bro!

Hurricane88 · #**11707** 31-03-2020, 10:29 AM

Jokes more more...

----++++----+
Wife was checking her husbands phone and saw a contact named COVID19 & she called the number and her own phone rang.

😆

Husband is now in isolation

Hurricane88 · #**11708** 01-04-2020, 11:17 AM

AFRICAN PROVERBS
*_⭕ 1. The anger of a penis doesn't destroy the vagina. (Zimbabwe)_*
*_⭕ 2. There's no virgin in a maternity ward. (Cameroon)_*
*_⭕ 3. A child can play with it's mother's breasts but not with the father's testicles. (Ghana)_*
*_⭕ 4. The man who marries a beautiful woman and the farmer who grows corn by the road side have the same problem. (Ghana)_*
*_⭕ 5. When you see a woman sitting with her legs open, never tell her to close them, because u do not know her source of fresh air. (Ethiopia)_*
*_⭕ 7. The only woman who knows where her man is every night is a widow. (Togo)_*
*_⭕ 8. An erected penis has no conscience. (Uganda)_*
*_⭕ 9. If u go to sleep with an itching anus, u are sure to wake up with smelly fingers. (Kenya)_*
*_⭕ 10. The day a mosquito lands on your testicles is the day you will know there is a better way of resolving issues without using violence.(Senegal )_*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣