Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

Part Two


Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.

You jam it back & compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.

OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend.

She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."

OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.

We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!

[birdie8819]

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... He said it was no big deal!"

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."

[Roman city]

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks, “Who here has seen a ghost?” Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks, “Who here has spoken with a ghost?” Half the audience puts up their hands. “And who here has touched a ghost?” Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks, “And who here has made love with a ghost?” One small man in the back row puts up his hand… The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the man and says, “Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?” The small man replies, “Oh No! I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you back here. I thought you said ‘goat’.”

[Suxer83]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "the female dormitory will be out-of-bound for all the male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150 and being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[Suxer83]

This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rub his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down ur eyelid means "fuck you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased 2 large knives, 2 party hats, two party horn, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage., where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, look at the hat, and put it on. Next, he pick up his horn and brew it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Than the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants and sliced it in half.
The gorrilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man and pulled down his eyelid.

[birdie8819]

Best Joke For The Day !!!


Ah Pek and Ah Ma (Old man and Old Lady)

Ah Pek and Ah Ma in Their Golden Years

Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers, got out of bed and walk away.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth lah!"

[birdie8819]

Latest IRAS 2010 Tax Code


2010 Tax Code

The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis.


This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in a hole.

On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER: effective January 1st, 2010, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:


5 - 10 cm. Nuisance Tax $20.00
10 - 20 cm. Privilege Tax $100.00
20 - 25 cm Pole Tax $200.00
25 - 30 cm Luxury Tax $300.00

Males exceeding 30 cm must file capital gains.


Those under 10 cm are eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION..

[Roman city]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”

[seesaw]

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.

The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina untl I get over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese.

The doctor said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese".

The man said,"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

[seesaw]

WOMEN AND SEX

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.

[Roman city]

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!”

[bakylotus]

A Mafia Godfather found out that his bookkeeper, Enzo
has cheated him of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is
deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing
that he might have to testify in court.



When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about the
missing 10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows
sign language.



The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the 10
million bucks is that he embezzled from me'.



The lawyer, using sign language, asked Enzo where the
money is.



Enzo signs back, 'I don't know what are you talking about'.



The lawyer tells the Godfather, 'He says he doesn't know
what you are talking about'.



The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple
and says, 'Ask him again'.



The lawyer signs to Enzo, 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'.



Enzo signs back, 'Okay, you win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's
backyard in Woodbridge!'.



The Godfather asks the lawyer, 'What did he say?'



The lawyer replies, 'He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger'.

[marlborotan]

thanks to all bros who contribute here. It brighten up my day

[bakylotus]

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?


Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an
aeroplane that crashed. In heaven, they found
God sitting on the great white throne.

He addressed Al first. 'Al, what do you believe in?'

Al replied, 'Well, I believed I won the election in
2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've
come to understand that now'.

God thought for a second and said, 'Very good, come
and sit on my left'.

God then addressed Bill, 'Bill, what do you believe in?'

Bill replied, 'I believed in forgiveness. I've sinned, but
I've never held a grudge against my fellow men, and I
hope no grudges are held against me'.

Again, God thought for a second and then said, 'You
are forgiven son, come sit on my right'.

God turned to Hillary and asked, 'Hillary, what do you
believe in?'

She replied, 'I believed you are sitting in my chair'.

[Roman city]

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.

“Help me! Help me!” she screamed “I’m being robbed!”

“You ain’t being robbed…” her attacker interrupted “You’re being screwed!”

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. “If you’re screwing me with that,” she fumed, “I am being robbed!”