Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ah rat]

_______________

[etsys]

😂😂

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dresses and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by

saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back

[Zomb1369]

Originally Posted by ah rat

________________

Pinky minister Lee?

[Hurricane88]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
"
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?
👺🌟👹👽😎💀

[Hurricane88]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Lee's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear. Shocked by this,Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Lee's wife, Sue, followed and asked, *Did you see anything that you like under there?*

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, he did.

Sue said, *Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250.*

Jim confirmed that he is very interested. Sue told him that since her husband Lee played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Lee's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum, they went to the bedroom, and Sue gave him a flipping great time. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Lee came home from golf at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: *Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?*

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, *Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.* Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, *Did he give you $250?*

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, *Well, yes, in fact he did.*

*Lee, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay it back.*

*Now THAT, my friends, is how poker should be played...*🤣😄

[Hurricane88]

Starting today, Unvaccinated people will no longer be able to eat at hawker centres and coffee shops.



WHY CAN’T I GO IN?

Helen: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Ivan: ‘Why not?’
Helen: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Ivan: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Helen: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Ivan: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Helen: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Ivan: ‘But he’s sick!’
Helen: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Ivan: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Helen: ‘Yes.’
Ivan: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Helen: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Ivan: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated?’
Helen: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Ivan: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Helen: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Ivan: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Helen: ‘It protects them.'
Ivan: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread COVID?’
Helen: ‘Oh no. They can spread COVID just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Ivan: ‘I don’t even know what I’m hearing anymore. Look. I’m not sick.'
Helen: ‘Ok.’
Ivan: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Helen: ‘That’s right.’
Ivan: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Helen: ‘Certainly.’
Ivan: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Helen: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Ivan: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Helen: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Ivan: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Helen: ‘That’s fine.’
Ivan: ‘Now I can go in?’
Helen: ‘Absolutely not!’
Ivan: ‘But I have a mask on!’
Helen: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Ivan: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask on.’
Helen: ‘I know.’
Ivan: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask on? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Helen: ‘Take it easy, buddy.’
Ivan: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Helen: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Ivan: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Helen: ‘Correct.’
Ivan: ‘Why not?’
Helen: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Ivan: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Helen: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Ivan: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Helen: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Ivan: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Helen: ‘But you can get sick. You need to be protected, that's why you can't come in.'
Ivan: ‘But if I pay money for an ART test and prove that I'm not sick, I can come in and you don't have to protect me anymore?'
Helen: ‘Yea, coz it proves that you are not sick and they can't get sick from you’
Ivan: ‘I thought you said you want to protect me from getting sick? But now you say if I'm proven to be healthy, then I can enter cos I can't get the vaccinated people sick. So how in the heck does that work?'
Helen: ‘Because you are unvaccinated and vaccinated people can catch your germs and get sick'
Ivan: 'So isn’t really to protect me from getting sick, is it?'
Helen:' I'm just doing my job, I don't know anything'

End...scene...
🤦🏻‍♂️

[Hurricane88]

[dyelook]

laughter bumps...

[Hurricane88]

Classic one
😀😀😀

Ever since Robert was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night.

So he went to see Dr John, a Psychiatrist friend and told him
*I've got problems.*
*Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.*

*Not to worry, Robert, just put yourself in my hands for one year,* said Dr John.

*Come, talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.*

*How much do you charge, Doc?*

*$200 per visit* replied Dr John.

*Let me think about it and if needed, I will come back to you,* Robert said.

Six months later he happened to meet Dr John on the street.

*Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?* Dr John asked.

*Well, $200 a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!*
*A new Indian friend of mine, who just got his citizenship, cured me for the price of one plate biryani and a bottle of beer.*

*I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new SUV".*

*Is that so?* with a bit of an attitude Dr John asked, *And how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?*

*He told me to sell the bed and sleep on a Mattress on the floor.*

Moral:

TO HELL WITH THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS..
GO TALK TO YOUR *FRIEND* .

There is always an INDIAN way to solve a difficult problem...
▪️▪️▪️▪️
😜😀😀🤣

[Hurricane88]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat', the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shady tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand.
Your dog wants to have sex!'
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog ...

[Hurricane88]

[etsys]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is gone. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
She reluctantly agrees. He squeezes her breasts for about ten minutes and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[limchowder]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

This is damn true haha

[ah rat]

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[etsys]

Some of my humble contribution