What Europe Will Look Like in 2022

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An honorable member of the Coffee Shop Has Just Posted the Following:



The year is 2022 and the Germans are dominating Western Europe (again).

France, Belgium, Austria, and most of Italy are under die Germans dominion. But this time, it’s not the German military that has conquered from Warsaw to Marseille. Hell, this time around the French actually invited the Germans to run their country. Why? German economic policy.

Germany gets it.

Under Chancellor Angela Merkel, German industry has prospered (of course), and propelled the nations formerly known as France, Belgium, Poland, and Italy to new heights. Austerity works. And everybody loves it. No more lax French welfare and piss-poor public transportation. Autobahns and Deutsche Bahn get people from Dresden to Lyon more efficiently than ever. No more Italian antics. The Italian crooks were all sent to Brooklyn (including Berlusconi), Barilla was told to drop the whole anti-gay thing, and Ferrari was bought by VW which now produces fuel-efficient and affordable Ferrari compact cars. There is a bierhalle on every corner. And it's wonderful.

This new domain is known as Merkelreich. Neuberlin is the capital.

The European Union has failed (of course). Er, rather, the Germans and French have seen the light, adopted the German currency, and moved on with their lives.

Eastern Europe — having been just recently admitted into the EU, and seeing as they had to wait so damn long for admittance — is still trying the whole EU thing out. Just for a little bit. Just until something better comes along.

Turkey, of course, is still eagerly awaiting its membership.

China purchased Greece, and regrets it. Beautiful islands, but that's about it.

Taiwan purchased an indebted Ireland. The annual Greek-Ireland football match always causes an international diplomatic crisis (usually fueled by whichever boozy Irishman burns a Chinese flag).

Britain claims it is still a regional power (per usual), but doesn’t really get it. They say a lot of threatening things, but nobody really takes them seriously. They still can’t win a World Cup and they still have the worst culinary taste on the continent (and yes, they are part of the continent — not separate, as they would have you believe). Scotland seceded a long time ago, and it’s the best decision they’ve ever made.

Switzerland is one big bank, and that makes sense.

The Vatican gave up on Italy, and it was the best thing to ever happen to the Italian fashion scene. It'll be interesting to see what the "gays" from Florence to Rome do with Italy now that there is no religion keeping everyone in check. The Vatican has relocated to Spain. Barcelona seceded from Spain a long time ago, and it’s the best decision they’ve ever made.

The Netherlands still houses all of the useless international organizations that nobody really pays any attention to.

So how did we get here? The complete dissolving of Europe all started with Scandinavia. Around 2014, they realized their superior social welfare programs, standard of living, life expectancy, health care, and business practices were better kept from the rest of the barbarian continent. The Second Kalnar Union was born. And it has flourished. Life expectancy these days is pushing 150 years. There is no crime. No hate. Everyone is beautiful. Clean energy powered by windfarms fuel everything. Ikea has overtaken Walmart in international corporate power. Iceland, though, long ago decided to join the United States, and is now an extension of Alaska. It’s the worst decision they’ve ever made.

The United States is currently surviving (thriving?) under year six of the Rand Paul administration.

Russia is still a dick to everyone.


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